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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
ghoz
Joined: Nov 10, 2006
Posts: 6
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lol | |
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axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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The battle scarred and patriotic US soldier on his field hospital bed battling for his life. Considering that he might die at any moment he calls the duty nurse and tells her,
“I want to kiss the US flag before I die.”
Nurse says, “I am so sorry, there is none available right here, but rather than such a patriot like you, maybe you can kiss the flag tatoo which I have put on my ass.”
Soldier kisses the flag and says to the nurse.
“Ok turn around I want to kiss Bush too.”
[addsig] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole.
As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-22 14:25 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I
think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around
to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They
have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Then why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-22 15:11 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
PM |
In the market with his dad, a little boy was flipping a quarter into the air and then catching it with his teeth. Someone bumped the little boy at the wrong moment and the quarter came down and lodged into the boy's throat.
The boy starts to choke and his father starts hollering for help.
A middle aged man hears the commotion, casually puts his cart to the side, straightens his coat and tie, and makes his way to the boy and his father.
"Excuse me, sir," the man tells the father. The man reaches down to the still standing (but still choking) boy, carefully takes hold of the kid, and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. The man releases the boy and walks back over to his cart.
After making sure his son is ok, the father walks over to the man and thanks him profusely for saving his son's life. "I've never seen anyone do that -- that's amazing! Are you a surgeon?"
"Oh good heavens, no," replied the slightly embarrassed man.
"I work for the IRS."
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
sailaab
Joined: May 19, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: India
PM |
Maybe youav heard dis one sumplace..
Yet some Political tickle..
made me guffaw..
Japanese student in America
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history: Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
She said. "Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class,"Class, you should be ashamed.Suzuki,who is new to our country, knows moreabout our history than you do.
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs"".
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,1982".
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke [vomit]" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991"
Now furious, another student yells,"Oh yeah? Suck this!". Suzuki jumpsout of his chair waving his hand andshouts to the teacher,"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "[California Congressman] Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
(The teacher fainted.)And as the class gathered around the teacher onthe floor, someone said,"Oh shit, we're f**ked!" and Suzuki said, "Americans,... in Iraq 2004!"
Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life! SE  TRIVIA |
QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
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@sailaab
that's a great joke 
My Flickr Site.. Flickr.comMost Popular Newbie 2006  |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A visiting minister waxed eloquently during the offertory.
"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "We realize that all we have belongs to you, and without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued, however at that moment my small daughter, who was listening intently, asked quite audibly in her shrill little voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-25 15:52 ] |
deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
mcrosser
Joined: Oct 11, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Peru
PM |
hahaha rotflmao
AVAILABLE - advertise here!! |
deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
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Larry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Bill Johnson, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Larry, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Johnson...Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Larry was working on a car. Larry in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
Johnson, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Larry, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
PM |
I ran into Marcus at work yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
himlims_nl
Joined: Apr 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
PM |
HAHA
that's a good one
got me another one? i'm bored at work atm |
axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they spend time with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
H. What happened to the Indians????
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!
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Posted: 2006-11-15 06:57
TRIVIA
