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Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, firstwith the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep! None of us could get the jar opened."
-------------------------------------
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
--------------------------------
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married
again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair.
with no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow
said.
"Just look at you... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled. "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed ??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
door bell, didn't I?"
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QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
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@Cycovision
awesome jokes mate.. i enjoyed it 
My Flickr Site.. Flickr.comMost Popular Newbie 2006  |
kwabs2006
Joined: Sep 12, 2006
Posts: 184
From: Ghana
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Just Imagine!
This must be one of the cleverest e-mails ever circulated. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. Just read on.
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKE:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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mcrosser
Joined: Oct 11, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Peru
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woman hitler !! lol !! hahahaha
AVAILABLE - advertise here!! |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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Several men are in the locker room at a Golf Club. A cell phone laying on the bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat and its only $1500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: I also stopped buy the Mercedes dealership and found a new SL500 that I want."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$108,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price it better come with all the options."
Woman: "Great, Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: " Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! Love you."
Man: "Bye, Love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Man: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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leeboy13
Joined: Sep 28, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Brissle - dodgy accients
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 goldenfasce i had no idea where that one was going
living the dream! |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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I thought this was funny -
A six year old girl goes in to a pet shop. Standing on her toes she peers up at the owner and says 'Excuse me mister, can I buy a little bunny rabbit?'
Bending down, the owner looks at the little girl. 'Of course you can little lady. Now what kind of bunny rabbit would you like? Would you like a white bunny rabbit, a black bunny rabbit with big long ears or a nice big fluffy black bunny rabbit?'
The little girl replies 'I don't think my python gives a flying f*** what colour it is'
___________________________________________________________
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says
"No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little rascal. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ar*e, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-01 16:34 ] |
mozinga
Joined: Sep 04, 2006
Posts: 18
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Lol thats brilliant. |
vrl29
Joined: Dec 25, 2004
Posts: 305
From: Philippines
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don't know if this has been posted before, but it's worth a try:
Quote:
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WHAT IS MARRIAGE ?
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbour listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he doing just that.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
19. Marriage is man and a woman becoming one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
24. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all, money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman then POW! it was all gone"
"What happened" asked his friend
"....My wife found out"
25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man".
27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new ...or the wife is.
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From this site: http://www.rotflmao.co.uk/marriage.htm
SE T68i (Feb2004-May2004)
SE T610 (Sep2004-Jun2005)
SE K700i (Jun2005-Sep2005)
SE S700i (Sep2005-Present) |
mozinga
Joined: Sep 04, 2006
Posts: 18
PM |
Blonde's with books:
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
Gambling Leaders:
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
Old men:
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
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mozinga
Joined: Sep 04, 2006
Posts: 18
PM |
Some More:
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.''
So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.
After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
College Entrance Exam, For American Football players:
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Shot To The Heart
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-03 16:00 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
___________________________________________________________
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashleigh said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the
teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Renee raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but
we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Renee."
"Samuel, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen
was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-03 16:28 ] |
Danny_BFC
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 499
From: Barnsley, Phone,
PM |
goldenface - what a joke! Were are you getting these
Im not fussed about phones/gadgets no more. If im online im in the Non-Mobile discussion  |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A young lad out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams
across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up
the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and
she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night he arrives at her house with flowers and chocolates. To his
surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she
exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to
my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should
warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents
and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little
uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting
in
his arm chair watching football on TV, and Mum is busy knitting. After
about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up
her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her
backside.
Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her
over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his
chair
and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man
is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter
returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete
failiure the young man is completely distracted by the on goings earlier
in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done
something wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest
thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit
shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt,
pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.
then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans
her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down
and places a match stick by his eye." ........!
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this a**ehole a
drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f**k him - I'm watching the match.'
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Posted: 2006-10-28 14:04
