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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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@leeboy
Thanks 
A pub is having a fancy dress night, and outside the bouncer in impressed by the costumes he's seen so far, when up walks a man, totally naked, covered in oil, with a naked girl on his back.
"I'm sorry, but there's no way you're coming in here tonight", says the bouncer.
"Why not?" the man replies.
"Firstly, this is a fancy dress party and you're not wearing a bloody thing, and secondly, what the hell's that girl doing on your back?"
"No costume?" replies the man. "I'm a snail, and this," he says pointing to the girl, "is Michelle."
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:57 ] | |
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leeboy13
Joined: Sep 28, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Brissle - dodgy accients
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cant believe i dont check this thread regular - will do from now on 
living the dream! |
QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
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There's few of people fishing by the river side and one of them is a very strange old man.. whenever he caught a big fish, he'll let it go free. But whenever he caught a small size fish, he keep it in a small plastic tank beside him.. One of the people around him was so curious and move towards the old man asked:
"Why do you let go the Big fish and keep the small one instead?"
The Old Man answered:
"I dont have the big size frying-pan you freak!"
Disclaimer: you may or may not laugh cause this is a cold joke 
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axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
PM, WWW
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[addsig] |
deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
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@goldenface, @QuickShare, brilliant jokes those, keep them coming! i particularly like the blind pilot one. haha...
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, " Mom am I a real polar bear?"
" Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. " Dad, am I a real polar bear?" " Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, " Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
" Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
" Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
" Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. " Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
" Because," said the young polar bear," I' m f***ing freezing!
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:58 ] |
QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
PM |
@goldenface
LMAO~!~~! mate your joke are SICK ~~
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Old Man: " Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it' s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
" Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
" Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
" But ya f**k one goat . . . "
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever
you do,don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in ackowledgment. As the match started, the American
and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the
American and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried
his face in his hands he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the
ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and
the American collapsed on top of him, making
the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever
done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up
when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and
saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to
lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
testicles!"
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:59 ] |
QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
PM |
great... simply great joke goldenface 
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[ This Message was edited by: QuickShare on 2006-10-27 15:00 ] |
deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
PM |
@goldenface, good one!
One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A man is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if he is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can
convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life,
you're in."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I
was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary hell's
angles torturing a poor girl.
"I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed an iron bar out of
the boot, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang - a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me.
"So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the bar. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them. 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "
St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
___________________________________________________________
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went
out to fire stations for miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company manager approached the chief fire officer and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give £50,000 to the crew that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the lead fireman heard this, he ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, manager of the company offered £100,000 to the fire crew that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire engine came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire brigade composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company manager announced that he would double the reward to £200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire engine driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the 'kin brakes on that fire engine!"
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 16:04 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
The Giant Squid had obviously eaten something that didn't agree with him (shellfish can be so dodgy) and he was feeling decidedly off colour. He felt so bad in fact that he couldn't even summon the strength to swim home.
Suddenly he spied a Great White Shark coming and he thought he was in trouble. The shark realised that the squid was not acting right and enquired what the problem was. The squid explained his problem and said how bad he felt and that he was miles from home.
The shark said 'ok, just jump on my back...I'll take you' The squid was amazed but decided he had little choice.
The shark swam and swam but then went right past where the squid lived. The squid asked where they were going and the shark said 'oh, I just have to see a mate for a minute'
Suddenly the encountered a rough looking Killer Whale. The Killer Whale grunted a greeting and said 'whaddya want?'
The shark replied 'here's that sick squid I owe you'
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QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
PM |
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,that's
confidential!
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Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should
talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
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Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
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Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
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[ This Message was edited by: QuickShare on 2006-10-28 02:28 ] | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2006-10-25 17:37
