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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's
Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long he
decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the
right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of
white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of knickers (panties) for herself at
the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister
got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the
package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not
wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your
sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons but she wears shorter
ones which are easier to remove,
These are a very delicate shade,but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in
them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, in fact she she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing
them,
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they
will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my
lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Ron.
P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur
showing.
2 guys were stuck in the Moroccan desert, desperate for water.
They struggle once again over the top of a sand dune and lo and behold, they see an market full of people selling and buying food.
They rush down with thier last ounce of energy and go to the first stall, gasping "water, water"
The stall holder says " sorry, I only have a mixture of jelly and custard, topped with creme and cherries."
Desperate for a drink, they go to the next stall but the reply is "sorry, we only have blancmange with sweet biscuit base and chocolate sprinkles on top of double creme with a hint of sherry"
This goes on for every stall, them being offered rich puddings all the way.
Eventually they crawl to the top of the next dune, severely dehydrated and one says to the other.....on the brink of death...
"did that strike you as odd"; to which the other replies...............
"yes, it was a trifle bazaar"...
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-10-20 14:31 ] | |
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Danny_BFC
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 499
From: Barnsley, Phone,
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HAHA great one Goldenface!! Lol! Not got any for u though yet. 
Im not fussed about phones/gadgets no more. If im online im in the Non-Mobile discussion  |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY (Not our very own!)
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
 Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them,but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
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leeboy13
Joined: Sep 28, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Brissle - dodgy accients
PM |
Quote goldenface:
'11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? '
I wanna meet teh guy/girl who found this out - maybe not actually , dont want teh lil begger pulling at anything on me 
living the dream! |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
@leeboy
I don't know what to say!
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psychonymphe
Joined: Sep 03, 2006
Posts: 41
From: Stellenbosch, S.Africa
PM |
Questions 9 and 14 shouldn't be there; only really silly people would find these 2 questions baffling.
"there are three erorrs in this sentance" |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ''Are you ready to find Jesus?''
The drunk answers, ''That I am.''
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ''Brother, have you found Jesus?''
The drunk replies, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, ''Have you found Jesus, my brother?''
The drunk again answers, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and, when he begins thrashing his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, ''For the love of God, have you found Jesus?''
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher.....................
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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psychonymphe
Joined: Sep 03, 2006
Posts: 41
From: Stellenbosch, S.Africa
PM |
A nun goes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear her confession: "Last night I enjoyed the pleasures me the flesh. Father Conner came to me and told me that I had the Gates me Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the Key to Heaven, and he put it in the Gates." "Bastard!" cries the Mother Superior, "For years, he told me it was Gabriel's Trumpet and I've been blowing it."
"there are three erorrs in this sentance" |
QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
PM |
@goldenface
LMAO
My Flickr Site.. Flickr.comMost Popular Newbie 2006  |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A woman sitting in a restaurant in St. John's, Newfoundland suddenly
began to cough while eating a giant lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress.
Two men, Bob and Bill, sitting at the next table turned to look at
her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Bob.
The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bill.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No'.
With that, Bob walked over to her, lifted up the back of her
skirt yanked down her panties, and ran his tongue up and down the
woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again. Bob swaggered back over to his table and proudly took another drink of
his beer.
Bill said in admiration, toasting Bob, "Ya know boy, I'd heard of dat
dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered; "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch". "We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was disturbed, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in bed!"
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-10-21 17:04 ] |
QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
PM |
2nd and 3rd are awesome oh btw .. please tag the story for god sake  i mean for easier reading  just joking mate 
My Flickr Site.. Flickr.comMost Popular Newbie 2006 |
lufc 4 lyf
Joined: Sep 05, 2006
Posts: 29
PM |
where do u find a no legged dog?
where ever you left it lol |
psychonymphe
Joined: Sep 03, 2006
Posts: 41
From: Stellenbosch, S.Africa
PM |
That hen joke is a legend. I couldnt stop laughing! Very appreciated!
"there are three erorrs in this sentance" |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
___________________________________________________________
Two women in heaven, recent arrivals, were comparing stories on how they
had died. First woman said, "I froze to death." Second woman, "You froze to
death - how horrible!" First woman, "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?" Second woman, "I died of a massive heart
attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to
catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den,
watching TV." First woman, "So what happened?" Second woman, "I was so sure
there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and went down to the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I
kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died." First woman, "Too
bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."
___________________________________________________________
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
___________________________________________________________
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Reiko: What in the hell is that?
Naoe: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Reiko: Where did you get it?
Naoe: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Reiko hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-10-25 16:10 ] |
leeboy13
Joined: Sep 28, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Brissle - dodgy accients
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goldenface, these jokes are legendary
living the dream! | |
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Posted: 2006-10-20 14:45
