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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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 no posts for 9 days!
A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman’s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor say "mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out". So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until the point were he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think your doing". "I’ve changed my mind I’m going to drown the bastard"!!!
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A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
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These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
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A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room.The doctor there told him, “Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.”
“But I don't have the fingers!”
“What! You don't have the fingers!?” said the doctor, “You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.”
“But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.”
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
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A guy went to a whore-house for some head. But when he got it, he didn't use a condom, and he cummed in the prostitutes mouth.
She gargles it, then she spits it in a bucket.
"Don't like to swallow it, eh?" asks the man.
"Actually," says the slut, "me and another girl have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets t drink both of them
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Once upon a time two penniless bums stood on the street corner. "Boy," one of them said, "I'm Thirsty."
The second bum was looking through the trash. "Look what I found," he said, "a hotdog."
"That gives me an idea," said the first bum. "Lets go to a bar, order drinks, and when the bartender asks us for money, I'll stick the hotdog out my zipper, and you'll suck it."
"Thats not gonna work," says the second bum.
They went to the bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for money, the first bum stuck the hotdog out of his zipper, and the second bum starting sucking it.
"Get out of here you nice faggets," says the bartender.
After about ten bars, the second bum said to the first bum, "My knees are getting sore, how about giving me the hotdog for a while?"
"That old thing?" says the first bum,"I lost that 7 bars ago."
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Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved
them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a
girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry,
he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will
never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme
sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly
thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had
to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called
his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk
home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They
were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had
three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him,
exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner
tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table.
He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she
returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten
eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming
on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This
was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made
a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow
his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again
fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the
end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife
returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured
her that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise --
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday
party!
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he
missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best
cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him
to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough
syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John
explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp
post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
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An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an
ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
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As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,
"Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in
my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat
them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
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An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years.
On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this
she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign
and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He
rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a
real breakthrough.
The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he
didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asked what happened, to which the man replied,
"She choked."
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City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
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lol...excellent post after that slump :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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i'm guessing there'll be another slump now 
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
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A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
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masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
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bumping this for sony_eric to repost his joke 
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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what joke was that? did i miss summat?
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amagab
Joined: Oct 29, 2002
Posts: > 500
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This one you have to read out to hear it in voice because of spelling differences:
You know the difference between Michael Jackson and a greyhound?
-Greyhounds wait for the hare to come out.
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Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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 What is the smilaritie between Michael Jacson and a Marc & Spencer plastic bag?
They are both made of plastic both withe and they coud be harmfull for littel children
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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sick but funni as hell
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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both funny, but both jokes are about the same age as the kids, 10years old!
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Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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Yeah but im 20 So that just makes things een more twisted and messd up 
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
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apologies if any are repeats (like yeah, i was gonna read fifty plus pages!)
here we go...
Question : What is the differance between Micheal Jackson and a plastic bag
Answer: Well, one's white and plastic and dangerous for your children to
play with, and the other one, you carry your groceries home in !
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POLICE NEWS:
Michael Jackson's home has been raided by the police this morning. They found Class A drugs in the lounge, Class B drugs in the kitchen and Class 5C in the bedroom.
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Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
He heard boys' pants were half-off!
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What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
They both ride 4 year olds.
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Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?
He thought they were a delivery service.
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
you may also like to check the Russian Roulette thread in MPFZ.
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
Basic Flying Rules:
· Try to stay in the middle of the air.
· Do not go near the edges of it.
· The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea and trees. It is much more difficult to fly there.
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Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, that doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that, "in one year they would pay for themselves!" I really shut him up, because he just hung up on me.
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
A man is at home drinking a few beers and there is a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees a huge cockroach. The cockroach punches him in the face and runs off. He reflects on this the next day and thinks he must have had too much beer.
The next night he has no beer and there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and the huge cockroach is there again. The cockroach kicks him in the shins, pushed him over and leaves. He realises that it is not the beer. He goes to the doctor and asks, "Am I crazy? I think I have been beaten up by a giant cockroach."
The doctor replies, "No, you're not going mad. There is a nasty bug
going around."
boom-boom!
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A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears
a door open in the hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman
dressed only in a bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail,
but she engages him in conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe
opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says,
"Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming.
Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?"
He agrees to this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe
falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look,
what do you think is the best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She replies, "My ears? Look at these tits, look at
this arse, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?!"
He replied,
"Remember in the hall when you said you
heard somebody coming?
That was me."
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Gee, does that beat me? I only got two pair - two aces, and another two.
[ This Message was edited by: gelfen on 2003-12-12 03:02 ] | |
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Posted: 2003-10-25 15:33
