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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
easy2deal168
Joined: Aug 04, 2006
Posts: 15
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@axxxr
Nice one!!!!
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axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “F**k him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
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*Jojo*
Joined: Oct 15, 2003
Posts: > 500
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This is a TRUE story mates !
A friend once asked me; Jojo, how MANY adults do you think will comfortably FIT in a Beetle Volkswagen (same as that of Herbie !)? . . .
Then I replied: . . . of course, only and ONLY 5 will comfortably fit in a Beetle Volkswagen - Adults at that ! ! !
He replied: Nope ! 71 will COMFORTABLY fit in it . . .
I said: You moron ! How can 71 adult sized people fit in a small car like a Beetle Volkswagen ????
He said: Simple . . . 2 in the front and \" 69 \" at the back !
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abubakar
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 109
From: Nigeria
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3 newly-weds die in a plane crash and are approaching th gates of heaveN. As the 1st husband reach for the gate a thunderous voices cries out:
YOU MAY NOT ENTER!!!! ALL YOUR LIFE YOU ONLY LOVED MONEY TO THE POINT YOU EVEN MARRIED A WOMAN CALLED PENNY!!!! BOTH OFF YOU BEGONE!!!
As the 2nd couple approached:
YOU MAY NOT ENTER!!!! ALL YOUR LIFE YOU ONLY LOVED FOOD TO THE POINT YOU EVEN MARRIED A WOMAN CALLED HONEY!!!! BOTH OFF YOU BEGONE!!!
The husband from the 3rd couple looks at his wife and says "We might as well go back now, Fanny!!!"
Join Team Naija @
http://setiathome.berkeley.ed[....]account_form.php?teamid=126651
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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 Nice one guys.
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Winger
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 95
From: UK
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People Really Said These Things In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, \"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?\"
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Burgaz
Joined: Mar 25, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Cwmbranistan, S. Wales
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Now that's funny Axxxr!!! |
*Jojo*
Joined: Oct 15, 2003
Posts: > 500
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A couple discussing:
WIFE: Honey, what will you give me on our 25th Year Wedding Anniversary?
HUSBAND: I will bring you to Africa Dear . . .
WIFE: WOW, that's so SWEET of you . . . and what will you give me on our 50th Year Wedding Anniversary . . .
HUSBAND: I'll pick you up in Africa !
[addsig] |
axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, “Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago.”
Saint Peter asks, “What’s his name?”
“John Smith,” replies the woman.
“Gee,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?”
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, “Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave.”
“Oh!” says Saint Peter. “You mean Whirling John Smith!”
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Evil Eye
Joined: Jun 23, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Pune, Maharashtra, India
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 lmao
nice jokes axxxr
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axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.
\"What's in the bag?\" the youngster asked.
\"magic apples\", the old man replied.
\"Prove it\", said the young man.
\"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?\" asked the old man.
\"Watermelon and peaches\", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. \"OK, turn it over\", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
\"I like to eat pussy.\" he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, \"That tasted like shit\".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, \"Turn it over.\"
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Danny_BFC
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 499
From: Barnsley, Phone,
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Haha, heard that one a long time ago axxxr but good joke
Im not fussed about phones/gadgets no more. If im online im in the Non-Mobile discussion  |
axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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Q: What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A: A cancelled cheque
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Winger
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 95
From: UK
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Secret Messages
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
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Posted: 2006-09-03 09:16
