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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
fijbert
Joined: Dec 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Montreal / Beirut
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always a funny dude eh shits? 
Nobody is perfect, I am nobody, therefore I am perfect | |
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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just kind free today is all...besides this glorious thread needs a bit of revivin
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words:
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
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A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you
sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog
started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.
Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather
shouted, "Coldwater, move! Get out of the way"
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Madstah
Joined: May 25, 2004
Posts: 2
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
Catching A Tan
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
now that's wat i call, lunch time entertainment
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, 'Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you??' The girl replied, 'No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!'
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
here was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine
slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and
singing and smiling and singing.
What was he Singing???
Get ready, it's good... 
"I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone...."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
next wud come "I can see all obstacles in my way"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
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buluayam
Joined: Dec 12, 2003
Posts: 97
PM |
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
___________________________________________________________
The Differences between men and women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner,
and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing
each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined
by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really
want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . .
. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing
each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's
see ...February when we started going out, which was right after
I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the
odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he
has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd
be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this,
but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems
to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
right up their....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh
God, I feel so....."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,"
Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets
back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV,
and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also
Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six
straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze
everything she said and everything he said, going over it time
and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before
serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
how friggin true
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
that was a great way to pass time
by far the longest joke i ever read 
couldn't help but burst out laughing when it came to the last line
A letter from an Indian mother to her son....
My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, n that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Merovingian
Joined: Aug 29, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Norway
PM |
2 brittish vampires walk into a bar... the first one asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary... Sure, no problem, says the bartender.. Then the second vampire orders a cup of hot water.. the 1st vampire asks: What's that good for? The 2nd vampire takes out a tampon and says with calm voice: It's tea time
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50Cent
Joined: Nov 08, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: ...whatever psycho!!!
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Trusted Trader: 50Cent (+6, -0)
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2004-05-06 11:19
