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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
A moral tale...
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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soichiro
Joined: Jan 12, 2004
Posts: 258
From: Cucumberland
PM |
Quote:
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On 2004-03-30 04:51:28, shithappens wrote:
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
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there ya go..... shithappens' word of wisdom  
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
A consultant's story
Make a nice cup of coffee and take a break to read this.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd:
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie,
“But how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and
you don’t know a crap about my business!!!
.... Now give me back my dog.”
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
soichiro
Joined: Jan 12, 2004
Posts: 258
From: Cucumberland
PM |
being smart is not always a good thing 
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
GalaCtiCa
Joined: Nov 16, 2003
Posts: 40
From: Kuwait
PM |
typical middle-eastern joke :
a boy goes to his parents room and finds his father having sex with his mother. the boys then runs off downstairs, after the father finished he goes to check on his mother downstairs and finds his son having sex with her. the father shouts: " WHAT the hell are you doing !!?"
the son replies : " YOU f**k my mother, I f**k yours! "
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soichiro
Joined: Jan 12, 2004
Posts: 258
From: Cucumberland
PM |
i don't find that funny at all.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
GalaCtiCa
Joined: Nov 16, 2003
Posts: 40
From: Kuwait
PM |
hmmm, how about this one :
there is this bull fighter in mexico that is very famous, everyday he fights a bull and after he wins he kills the bull and cuts his balls to eat them.
there was a tourist who went to this big hotel, after he sttled in he went to the retaurant of the hotel. he noticed someone eating this strange looking dish, he goes to the barman and asks about it. the barman tells him that this person is the famous bull fighter and tells him what was on his plate. the tourist asks the barman if he could try the dish and offered the barman alot of money. the barman says : "come back tomorrow and ill ask the bull fighter to give you abit of his share senor."
next day the tourist comes to the restaurant and asks the barman if his "special" order is available. the barman asks the chef to prepare the meal for him. after a while the dish is served and the tourist finds this small tiny thing on his plate and calls the barman angerly. the barman says:
"im really sorry senor, but today the bull won!"
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American,sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
50Cent
Joined: Nov 08, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: ...whatever psycho!!!
PM |
http://www.erikasfriends.com/for_net/lj/song_for_you.htm
this is a very good sonf about Ebay.. Turn up the volume!!!
Trusted Trader: 50Cent (+6, -0)
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jontyf
Joined: Apr 29, 2004
Posts: 468
From: Hertfordshire, England
PM |
There once was a vampire called Mable
Her periods were allways quite stable
But every full moon
She picks up a spoon
And drinks herself under the table
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
Subject: the 4 evils
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend them on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
Austin powers pick up lines
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.
_________________
I maybe fat but u're ugly & i can still diet...
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2004-05-06 10:06 ] |
fijbert
Joined: Dec 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Montreal / Beirut
PM, WWW
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.' They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. 'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'
Nobody is perfect, I am nobody, therefore I am perfect |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
here's some more
1. A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast for half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.
POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE!!
2. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible? THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
3. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings!
"YES".. OK, BYE". She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
4. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
5. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
Answer : INTER COURSE.
Reason: No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!
6.Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting-place for the coming bird !!!
7. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams.. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!
8. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
9. A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
Open her heart receives love.
But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.
10. Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Jogger's Park overrun by nuns jogging.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Posted: 2004-03-30 04:51
