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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
amagab
Joined: Oct 29, 2002
Posts: > 500
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SHIT ACCORDING TO WORLD RELIGIONS
Protestants - Let shit happen to someone else
Adventists - There shall be no shit on Saturdays
Amish - Shit helps our crops grow
Atheists - Shit doesn’t exist
Buddhists - If shit happens, it really isn’t shit
Christian Scientists - Shit exists only in the mind
Confucians - Confucious says: “Shit happens”
Existentialists - What is shit anyway?
Hedonists - There is nothing like good shit
Hindus - Shit is the result of a past life
Hare Krishnas - Shit happens, rama rama, hare hare
Jain - Shit needs to be respected
Jehova’s Witnesses - There is no shit in heaven
Jews - Why does shit always happen to us?
Mormons - Shit is a sign of ungodliness
Muslims - When shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Orthodox Christians - If you use enough insense, you will not notice the shit
Outcasts - There is no shit like our shit
Pacifists - Love one another
Rastafarians - Let’s smoke this shit
Roman Catholics - Shit happens when you are bad
Taoists - Shit is yang, perfume is yin
[ This Message was edited by: amagab on 2003-12-12 04:26 ] | |
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Uncle Bob
Joined: Nov 27, 2003
Posts: 202
From: Englandshire
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A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
_______________________
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it.
Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it' but for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!" |
gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
Groan
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink
says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Answer-phone message
"... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
" My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
" What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
" No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too
high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?" asks the
doc.
" It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
" Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
" Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
got this email just now....couldn't resist
At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates who are just as virile as you.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget
some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those
women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds, 2.5 models 463 wild nymphos,
3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is
referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".
To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom,
you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you
have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little fed up by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Bush,
but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word,
The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
_________________________________
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
_______________________
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"
_________________________________
A Scottish old timer in Scotland is sitting in a bar talking to a young man.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya f**k one goat . . . "
_________________________-
A teacher asked her clase, "What's the strechiest substance
in the World?"
Up jumped little Tommy, "I know this one sir."
"Yes Tommy, what would say is the most stretchy substance in
the world?"
"Human skin sir." said Tommy.
"I don't think so, but what makes you say that it's human
skin Tommy?"
"It says so in the Bible sir."
"I can't recall reading this in the Bible Tommy. Perhaps you
could quote it for us." said the teacher.
"Yes sir. It says " . . . and Jesus tied his Ass to a tree
and walked 3 miles into Jerusalem."
____________________________
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly
gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a
few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with
him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just
someone getting a hole drilled in their head so
they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this
one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just
someone getting holes drilled in their back so
they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go
downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped
and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for
that.
_________________________
An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three men, points at a pile of sand behind him and then pointing at the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping". He then points to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging". Finally he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of supplies." He carries on speaking "I'm going to be gone for a while and when I come back I expect to at least see you guys have made a dent in that pile".
The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by. He walks up to them and shouts "what the hell have you been doing for the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?" The Italian tells him "you put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but we don't have a broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared." The boss looks round and searches for the strange Orient. Suddenly when the boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps from behind the sand and yells "Supplies!"
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
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Ayush
Joined: Sep 12, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Hyderabad, india
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Quote:
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On 2003-11-19 16:01:30, masseur wrote:
bumping this for sony_eric to repost his joke 
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What was that??  |
gigolo (",)
Joined: Jul 27, 2002
Posts: 21
From: MY MOTHERS WOMB
PM |
hAvE fAiTh!!! |
folling182
Joined: Oct 14, 2003
Posts: 368
From: nottingham>girona[Spain]>???
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A couple lying in bed in the morning...
The man says "darling,is the clitoris at the back or at the front"
The lady relplies "ermm...at the front"
Man "for f**k sake,that means i've spent all night licking your hemorroid"
[addsig] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
ouch and 
good one there mate....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
PM, WWW
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That one was funny.
Heres somthing funny: If you recive a SMS this Monday replay it by saying: Okay CUNT
Then the nxt time u meet the person try to exsplain that it means: see you next thursday
_________________
HOME.NO/GURU4U 
WWW.LUMPALAND.CO.UK
The Bjerky exspedition
[ This Message was edited by: Bjerkebanen on 2004-01-05 03:06 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
CUNT = c u next thursday......
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
PM, WWW
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oh im sorry my bad its:
CUNT = C U Next Tusday
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anish
Joined: Jul 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: India / England
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Quote:
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On 2003-12-31 19:57:40, sony_eric wrote:
Quote:
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On 2003-11-19 16:01:30, masseur wrote:
bumping this for sony_eric to repost his joke
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What was that??
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@sony-eric
You posted a coconut tree (I think) joke in another thread for jokes and Masseur bumped this thread for you to post it here. This was a month back.
Knowledge is two fold. Knowing a subject or knowing where to find out about a subject. I rely on both... That is why I come here.  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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Bob and his wife live up north. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through"
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Posted: 2003-12-12 05:24
