Posted by goldenface
@leeboy
Thanks
A pub is having a fancy dress night, and outside the bouncer in impressed by the costumes he's seen so far, when up walks a man, totally naked, covered in oil, with a naked girl on his back.
"I'm sorry, but there's no way you're coming in here tonight", says the bouncer.
"Why not?" the man replies.
"Firstly, this is a fancy dress party and you're not wearing a bloody thing, and secondly, what the hell's that girl doing on your back?"
"No costume?" replies the man. "I'm a snail, and this," he says pointing to the girl, "is Michelle."
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my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:57 ]
Posted by leeboy13
cant believe i dont check this thread regular - will do from now on 
Posted by QuickShare
There's few of people fishing by the river side and one of them is a very strange old man.. whenever he caught a big fish, he'll let it go free. But whenever he caught a small size fish, he keep it in a small plastic tank beside him.. One of the people around him was so curious and move towards the old man asked:
"Why do you let go the Big fish and keep the small one instead?"
The Old Man answered:
"I dont have the big size frying-pan you freak!"
Disclaimer: you may or may not laugh cause this is a cold joke
Posted by axxxr
Posted by deluded
@goldenface, @QuickShare, brilliant jokes those, keep them coming! i particularly like the blind pilot one. haha...
Posted by goldenface
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, " Mom am I a real polar bear?"
" Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. " Dad, am I a real polar bear?" " Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, " Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
" Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
" Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
" Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. " Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
" Because," said the young polar bear," I' m f***ing freezing!
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my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:58 ]
Posted by QuickShare
@goldenface
LMAO~!~~! mate your joke are SICK
~~
Posted by goldenface
Old Man: " Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it' s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
" Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
" Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
" But ya f**k one goat . . . "
Posted by goldenface
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Posted by goldenface
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever
you do,don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in ackowledgment. As the match started, the American
and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the
American and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried
his face in his hands he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the
ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and
the American collapsed on top of him, making
the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever
done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up
when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and
saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to
lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
testicles!"
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my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:59 ]
Posted by QuickShare
great... simply great joke goldenface
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[ This Message was edited by: QuickShare on 2006-10-27 15:00 ]
Posted by deluded
@goldenface, good one!
One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Posted by goldenface
A man is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if he is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can
convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life,
you're in."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I
was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary hell's
angles torturing a poor girl.
"I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed an iron bar out of
the boot, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang - a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me.
"So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the bar. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them. 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "
St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
___________________________________________________________
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went
out to fire stations for miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company manager approached the chief fire officer and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give £50,000 to the crew that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the lead fireman heard this, he ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, manager of the company offered £100,000 to the fire crew that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire engine came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire brigade composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company manager announced that he would double the reward to £200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire engine driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the 'kin brakes on that fire engine!"
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 16:04 ]
Posted by goldenface
The Giant Squid had obviously eaten something that didn't agree with him (shellfish can be so dodgy) and he was feeling decidedly off colour. He felt so bad in fact that he couldn't even summon the strength to swim home.
Suddenly he spied a Great White Shark coming and he thought he was in trouble. The shark realised that the squid was not acting right and enquired what the problem was. The squid explained his problem and said how bad he felt and that he was miles from home.
The shark said 'ok, just jump on my back...I'll take you' The squid was amazed but decided he had little choice.
The shark swam and swam but then went right past where the squid lived. The squid asked where they were going and the shark said 'oh, I just have to see a mate for a minute'
Suddenly the encountered a rough looking Killer Whale. The Killer Whale grunted a greeting and said 'whaddya want?'
The shark replied 'here's that sick squid I owe you'
Posted by QuickShare
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,that's
confidential!
***********************************************************
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should
talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
***********************************************************
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
***********************************************************
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
***********************************************************
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
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[ This Message was edited by: QuickShare on 2006-10-28 02:28 ]
Posted by Cycovision
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, firstwith the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep! None of us could get the jar opened."
-------------------------------------
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
--------------------------------
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married
again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair.
with no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow
said.
"Just look at you... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled. "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed ??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
door bell, didn't I?"
Posted by QuickShare
@Cycovision
awesome jokes mate.. i enjoyed it
Posted by kwabs2006
Just Imagine!
This must be one of the cleverest e-mails ever circulated. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. Just read on.
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKE:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Posted by mcrosser
woman hitler !! lol !! hahahaha
Posted by goldenface
Several men are in the locker room at a Golf Club. A cell phone laying on the bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat and its only $1500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: I also stopped buy the Mercedes dealership and found a new SL500 that I want."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$108,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price it better come with all the options."
Woman: "Great, Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: " Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! Love you."
Man: "Bye, Love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Man: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Posted by leeboy13
goldenfasce i had no idea where that one was going
Posted by goldenface
I thought this was funny -
A six year old girl goes in to a pet shop. Standing on her toes she peers up at the owner and says 'Excuse me mister, can I buy a little bunny rabbit?'
Bending down, the owner looks at the little girl. 'Of course you can little lady. Now what kind of bunny rabbit would you like? Would you like a white bunny rabbit, a black bunny rabbit with big long ears or a nice big fluffy black bunny rabbit?'
The little girl replies 'I don't think my python gives a flying f*** what colour it is'
___________________________________________________________
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says
"No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little rascal. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ar*e, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-01 16:34 ]
Posted by mozinga
Lol thats brilliant.
Posted by vrl29
don't know if this has been posted before, but it's worth a try:
| Quote: |
|
From this site: http://www.rotflmao.co.uk/marriage.htm
Posted by mozinga
Blonde's with books:
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
Gambling Leaders:
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
Old men:
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
Posted by mozinga
Some More:
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.''
So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.
After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
College Entrance Exam, For American Football players:
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Posted by goldenface
Shot To The Heart
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-03 16:00 ]
Posted by goldenface
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
___________________________________________________________
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashleigh said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the
teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Renee raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but
we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Renee."
"Samuel, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen
was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
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[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-03 16:28 ]
Posted by Danny_BFC
goldenface - what a joke! Were are you getting these
Posted by goldenface
A young lad out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams
across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up
the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and
she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night he arrives at her house with flowers and chocolates. To his
surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she
exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to
my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should
warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents
and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little
uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting
in
his arm chair watching football on TV, and Mum is busy knitting. After
about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up
her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her
backside.
Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her
over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his
chair
and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man
is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter
returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete
failiure the young man is completely distracted by the on goings earlier
in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done
something wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest
thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit
shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt,
pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.
then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans
her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down
and places a match stick by his eye." ........!
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this a**ehole a
drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f**k him - I'm watching the match.'
Posted by ghoz
lol
Posted by axxxr
The battle scarred and patriotic US soldier on his field hospital bed battling for his life. Considering that he might die at any moment he calls the duty nurse and tells her,
“I want to kiss the US flag before I die.”
Nurse says, “I am so sorry, there is none available right here, but rather than such a patriot like you, maybe you can kiss the flag tatoo which I have put on my ass.”
Soldier kisses the flag and says to the nurse.
“Ok turn around I want to kiss Bush too.”
Posted by goldenface
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole.
As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
___________________________________________________________
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
_________________
My Friends 3G World Analysis Mobizines
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-22 14:25 ]
Posted by goldenface
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I
think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around
to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They
have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
___________________________________________________________
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Then why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"
_________________
My Friends 3G World Analysis Mobizines
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-22 15:11 ]
Posted by goldenface
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Posted by deluded
In the market with his dad, a little boy was flipping a quarter into the air and then catching it with his teeth. Someone bumped the little boy at the wrong moment and the quarter came down and lodged into the boy's throat.
The boy starts to choke and his father starts hollering for help.
A middle aged man hears the commotion, casually puts his cart to the side, straightens his coat and tie, and makes his way to the boy and his father.
"Excuse me, sir," the man tells the father. The man reaches down to the still standing (but still choking) boy, carefully takes hold of the kid, and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. The man releases the boy and walks back over to his cart.
After making sure his son is ok, the father walks over to the man and thanks him profusely for saving his son's life. "I've never seen anyone do that -- that's amazing! Are you a surgeon?"
"Oh good heavens, no," replied the slightly embarrassed man.
"I work for the IRS."
Posted by sailaab
Maybe youav heard dis one sumplace..
Yet some Political tickle..
made me guffaw..
Japanese student in America
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history: Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
She said. "Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class,"Class, you should be ashamed.Suzuki,who is new to our country, knows moreabout our history than you do.
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs"".
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,1982".
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke [vomit]" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991"
Now furious, another student yells,"Oh yeah? Suck this!". Suzuki jumpsout of his chair waving his hand andshouts to the teacher,"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "[California Congressman] Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
(The teacher fainted.)And as the class gathered around the teacher onthe floor, someone said,"Oh shit, we're f**ked!" and Suzuki said, "Americans,... in Iraq 2004!"
Posted by QuickShare
@sailaab
that's a great joke
Posted by goldenface
A visiting minister waxed eloquently during the offertory.
"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "We realize that all we have belongs to you, and without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued, however at that moment my small daughter, who was listening intently, asked quite audibly in her shrill little voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
_________________
I
my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-11-25 15:52 ]
Posted by deluded
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"
Posted by mcrosser
hahaha
rotflmao
Posted by deluded
Larry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Bill Johnson, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Larry, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Johnson...Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Larry was working on a car. Larry in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
Johnson, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Larry, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Posted by deluded
I ran into Marcus at work yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"
Posted by himlims_nl
HAHA
that's a good one
got me another one? i'm bored at work atm
Posted by axxxr
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they spend time with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
H. What happened to the Indians????
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!
Posted by goldenface
Once upon a time, Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo
were all having a chat. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
And Tom Thumb said,
"I must be the smallest person in the world."
And Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
So the three of them decided to go to the office of the Guinness
Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official", she said, "I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and forlorn and asked,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?
_________________
I
my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 13:46 ]
Posted by goldenface
Best of British
Be very proud to be British because:
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new sweater with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!
__________________________________________________
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes and the first thing he sees are two aspirin next to a glass of orange
juice on the end table. AND, next to them a single red rose! Jack sees his
clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room
and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. The rest of the
house is also in perfect order. He takes the aspirin and cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He sees a
note on the bedside table: Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to
go shopping. Love you!
Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is his breakfast and the
morning newspaper on the table. His daughter is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks his daughter "What happened last night?"
She replies, "well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you
ran into the bedroom door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose and my
breakfast is waiting on the table for me?"
Daughter replies, "OH THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE LADY, I'M MARRIED"
Broken Furniture - $185.26
Hot Breakfast - $5.90
Rose - $3.95
Two Aspirins - $ .38
Saying the right thing at the right time, PRICELESS!
_________________
I
my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:06 ]
Posted by goldenface
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
_________________
I
my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:17 ]
Posted by goldenface
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a large, lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises
a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
'Jesus, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I've brought you the Peking duck'
_________________
I
my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:31 ]
Posted by leeboy13
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that is class mate!!!!!!!