Forum > General discussions > Non mobile discussion > Guide To Picking Up A Girl

I think the problem is that guys generally have the wrong idea about women. They think dressing EXACTLY THE SAME as the guy next to them, cheap cologne, and stupid pick up lines will be all they need to get a date for the weekend. We do this either because we’re lazy or extremely dumb depending on whom you ask. We tend to think that lame gimmicks like the following is the secret to getting a girl. I was at the CPAC 2002 convention, and just before I made an ass out of myself in front of the nation’s top drug cop, I was stuck behind these two guys in people traffic. One of them stepped on the back of a girl’s heal and said, “Oh, I’m sorry.” The girl, being either very intelligent or just a heinous bitch, nodded and kept walking. When she got far enough away, the one guy turned to his friend and said, “That’s how you pick up a girl. You step on the back of their heel, and when they turn around you apologize and start a conversation with them.”

Now, me being the jackass that I am, I looked up from my trance, I had just got done cursing at Pat Buchanan and couldn’t believe I had gotten away with it, and said to the guys, “You mean sucker punching a girl isn’t a good way to pick one up?” They didn’t find it funny, but I, and the people around me, had a good laugh about it.

I have developed my own little system to pick up girls and not once has it failed. Normally I don’t employ this system because the site is big enough now that girls just go, “hey, aren’t you the guy from The Brandon Show?” And I say, “Yes, yes I am. How are you?” And then I just kind of go from there with them, what can I say? Girls like Internet Celebrities. In times of desperation though, or if I’m in a place that might not have cool people who have seen my site, I dust off the old skills and put them to good use. So what I’m going to do for you now, for free (I’m sick of seeing these dopey sites out there that charge you for dating advice), is tell you how you can pick up a girl with no problem. Where can you find girls? If you want sex, try the bars and concerts. If you want a relationship, try the library and the classes you have.

When approaching a girl you should keep the following steps in mind...



Step 1: Lose the lame pick up lines. Keep it simple, and keep
the conversation focused on her. “Hi, how are you? My name’s Brandon.” Don’t just walk up to a girl and be like “yo, let’s f**k.” That’s only worked for me once, and I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts it was a total fluke.



Step 2: Confidence. Grow a set. Guys get so whiney and pathetic when it comes to sweating over how they should approach a girl and what they should say. Just shut up and do it. If you get rejected you get rejected. Big deal. The Mets lose almost every season, but they still come out to play their games right? Well…bad example…they get paid to do that…but you get the idea….



Step 3: Appearance. Listen, I’m Mr. Zen Buddhism “appearance is all in your head,” but sadly in this wonderful society of ours people do care about how you look, and if you approach a girl looking like Zoltar from the plant Fartf**ker with grease dripping off you and smelling like the center of disease control would want to quarantine you immediately, it might be a good time to go and look into cleaning yourself up a bit. Just don’t go and use this as an excuse to be a soulless trendy and buy what you see other guys buying.



Step 4: Don’t be a dick. If you’re with a girl, and you’re trying to win her over so you can f**k her in an uncomfortable place (it’s a Mallrats reference, get it?), then you have to lose the stupid, self serving bullshit at the door. A girl you just met doesn’t really care about you and the fact that you can bench press your weight in maple syrup. She wants you to talk about her, so do it. Ask her questions about what she does, how she feels on things. And if you do disagree with her on something, TELL HER. Don’t be a pussy, tell her you disagree and then tell her why. A girl wants a guy with balls, not some spineless worm that could give the Blob from the movie The Blob a run for its money.



Step 5: Body Language. This is a past time activity for me. I can figure out a girl’s body language in seconds and tell if she’s wasting my time or not. You should make eye contact with her frequently, and if her pupil (the black part of the eye) is small and not wide, then you’re better off picking up another girl. But if the pupil is large and wide, then you’re in until you find a way to f**k it up. If you get one-word responses, and she looks away or disinterested, then you should back off as well. Aside from her eyes, if she touches you in any kind of way that’s NOT a shove, or if she laughs at your jokes for longer than 5 seconds or so these are good signs that she’s interested.



Step 6: Avoid certain phrases. “I live with my Mom” being the one that seems to come up the most from guys I'm told. Remember, you want to focus on her. If she asks about you then give her the good stuff. “I run my own business.” “I’m studying at this school in the honors program.” Just make sure that 1) you don’t lie because you’ll get caught at some point, and 2) Only tell her about you if she asks. Don’t just bring up stuff randomly to try to win her approval. She’ll think you’re a desperate idiot. And make sure not to depress her either. Don’t talk about your problems or even mention you have problems. It makes you look weak and not a viable partner.

Step 7: Roll with it. You have to be ready for anything. If she insults you, insult her back. If she catches you off guard with some line like, "I like to sneeze in the bathtub every twenty four hours" tell her you like to do that every twenty three. Even if you're not quick on your feet you should try at all opportunities not to look and sound like a deer that is about to be flattened by a semi truck.



Step 8: If she leaves with you. Don’t treat her like crap, and don’t take advantage of her. This should go without saying. You want her to like you right? So don’t get into this mindset of “I’m just going to f**k you and leave you” because you’ll get burned one way or another. Karma is a total bitch; so don’t treat other people like shit.

Note: The boy friend line. If a girl tells you she has a boyfriend right off the bat, she's keeping you at bay and probably writing you off. If the boyfriend is rarely (if at all mentioned) then she's very interested in you. Don't be discouraged when you hear about the boyfriend if there is one. I'm proud to say I've slept with many guy's girlfriends and if my ugly ass can do it so can you.



I would write a guide for girls to pick up guys but it would be all of one sentence. And that sentence would be “Just walk over to a guy and start a conversation.” For a guy to pick up a girl it takes a lot more skill and thought. Should you get to the point where you get her back to the room and about to do the hibbity dibbity, do me a huge favor. Don’t go turning on any mood music or shit like that. I don’t know how that trend got started but it needs to stop. I’ll leave the rest up to you. Just remember what I said and don’t f**k it up. There are a few million more women than men in the world and there is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to pick them up.

On 2004-09-10 14:29:09, methylated_spirit wrote:
I just go for the fat uglies*, that way you never got knocked back


*not true