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Author Post Your funny Jokes Here
mhorton
T68 grey
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Posted: 2002-06-22 23:28
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Here you go.
__________________________________________________________

Dear Supervisors

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however,
realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your
feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No nice way.

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my nice problem.

TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the f**k?

TRY SAYING
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF
This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF
f**k it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a prick.

TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the f**k you're doing.


Thank You, Human Resources
mhorton
T68 grey
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM
Posted: 2002-06-22 23:36
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"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7" -
David
Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league" -
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the
only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've
ever had." - David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at
the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which
were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully
after that as well." - Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the
World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but
let
me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." - Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the
screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My
first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing."
- Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in
Middlesborough." - Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." -
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
-Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out
there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet." - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
- Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." -
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny
Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry.
Eamonn
P800 no flip
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
PM
Posted: 2002-06-23 05:51
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hahahaha
lor
P910
Joined: Mar 07, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Planet Bob
PM
Posted: 2002-06-23 07:53
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mark, now that is some GOOD SHIT
especially those quotes ))

where do you get em from? [addsig]
mhorton
T68 grey
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM
Posted: 2002-06-23 20:58
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From work. People e-mail them to me. I put the good ones up on here
mixin
T66 black
Joined: Jan 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Notts, UK
PM, WWW
Posted: 2002-06-23 21:32
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keep em coming
mhorton
T68 grey
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM
Posted: 2002-06-23 21:34
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Yeah I will do. I'll should get some more tommorrow.
brownjs
T68 gold
Joined: May 03, 2002
Posts: 222
From: scotland
PM, WWW
Posted: 2002-06-23 22:01
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they are great yes more tomorrow great where do you get them from
mhorton
T68 grey
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM
Posted: 2002-06-23 22:10
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I get them from work. I'll post some more tomorrow afternoon
Unibond
T610
Joined: Jun 23, 2002
Posts: 70
From: Sunny Malta
PM
Posted: 2002-06-23 23:41
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Unibond
T610
Joined: Jun 23, 2002
Posts: 70
From: Sunny Malta
PM
Posted: 2002-06-23 23:48
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LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own nice business!!"
*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top
and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the nice difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just nice beautiful!"
brownjs
T68 gold
Joined: May 03, 2002
Posts: 222
From: scotland
PM, WWW
Posted: 2002-06-24 08:54
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great joke superb little billy
mhorton
T68 grey
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM
Posted: 2002-06-24 16:11
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Unibond
T610
Joined: Jun 23, 2002
Posts: 70
From: Sunny Malta
PM
Posted: 2002-06-24 17:18
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Strang Sex Laws

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
theb animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)
3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)
5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah Justice!)
7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
8. In Cali,Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."(Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam, though !!)

(PS - These were sent to me, I didn't mean to offend no one in fact I don't even know if thier true. I guess they are, I once had a site with dumb laws from around the world, I'll try to find it for you T.M.)
dmgpizen
S700
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: 323
From:
PM
Posted: 2002-06-24 17:37
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