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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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yeah heard that one before 
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
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Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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smell the rim!!!! darn that's gross
eleventy7, i think u just spoilt me apetite this morn mate
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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i aim to please 
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?
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A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Wal-mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He
comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
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A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."
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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee."It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.And so it was. And it was...well, good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
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Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
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JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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haha
rebirth. |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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Life's as such....MISTAKES!!!
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is "YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT YOU STUPID MORON"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
__spc__
Joined: Apr 04, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: To: Cc: Bcc: Subject: Message:
PM |
Sex is boring....
Incest is relatively boring...
Necrophilia is dead boring....
(I used to be a necrophiliac...until some rotten c**t split on me!) |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
baa....moo...wat's the difference
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in HomeBase either."
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There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table."
The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds."
The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped.
The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." a
The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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Quote:
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On 2003-08-28 09:29:50, shithappens wrote:
baa....moo...wat's the difference
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elementary my dear watson...
1s welsh... the other's u
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Sir-SonyEricsson-man
Joined: May 30, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Norway
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Sony Xperia 1 II, Xperia 5, Huawei P30 Pro |
Jowi
Joined: Feb 21, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Pilipinas
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STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
>
> BOY : May I hold your hand?
> GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
>
> GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
> BOY : You love me...
>
> GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
> BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
>
> GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
> BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
>
> GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
> BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
>
> BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
> GIRL : How soon??
>
> BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
> GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
>
> SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
> TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
> mouth.
>
> MAN : You remind me of the sea.
> WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
> MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
>
> WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of
> the other.
> HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
> out of the mouth.
>
> MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
> Peter?
> PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
>
> 1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
> Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
>
> 2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
> Pupil : "The moon".
> Teacher : "Why?"
> Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the
sun
> gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
>
> 3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
> people are no longer interested?"
> Pupil : "A teacher".
>
> 4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
> Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
>
> 5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was
called
> current affairs.
>
> 6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
> Sam : "It's a family tradition".
> Teacher : "What do you mean?"
> Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
> Teacher : "What about your mother?"
> Sam : "She's a woman".
>
> 7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
> David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
> performance repeated".
>
>  Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
> stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
> Student : "Brotherly love".
>
> 9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
> eating?"
> Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
>
> 10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
> Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
> ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
> treated. The others all died".
>
> 11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
> One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
> and at the same time."
>
> 12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
> Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him ?"
> One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
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N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
PM |
lol..i wish I was back in school to make smart ass comments like that :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke | |
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Posted: 2003-08-22 21:24
