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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue"
"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue "...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs as soon as possible due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another
20 lbs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."
[addsig] | |
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JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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yeah too bad for him
pretty messed up
i'm suprised at ottawa tho
someone during the blackout stole a bus
but the cops got him
heh
rebirth. |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Cavey... those are hilarious!
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Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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Thanks Vlam  However, the credit for the jokes has to go to my joke supplier
[addsig] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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my compliments to your supplier then
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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A story from http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-784800,00.html
August 19, 2003
Burglar who got a head start in going straight
By Andrew Norfolk
A BURGLAR received the shock of his life when he broke into the flat of a conceptual artist and found himself face to face with what appeared to be a severed human head in a jar.
Richard Morrison, 37, had constructed the head from bacon and put it in a sweet jar full of formaldehyde. When the thief broke in and saw it, he was so traumatised that he fled the property and alerted Merseyside Police to the existence of what he believed was a real-life Hannibal Lecter.
Detectives obtained a search warrant and kicked down the door to Mr Morrison’s flat to search for evidence of a gruesome murder, but found only the product of a student’s art foundation project.
When Mr Morrison returned to his home in Wavertree he found that his flat had been broken into twice in a few days, first by the burglar and then by detectives.
Mr Morrison, who is a part-time artist and works for the Criminal Records Bureau, has received a full apology from the police and a promise that they will pay for a new front door.
He said yesterday that he was quite proud of his “naive conceptualist” creation, inspired by the work of Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin.
“I made the mask — of bacon sewn together over a wire frame which I’d pressed over my face — when I was on an art foundation course two years ago. It just seemed like an interesting concept. It’s obviously a very macabre piece of work and I suppose at a glance it looks like a head, but I never expected it to get this reaction,” he said.
“Two CID officers turned up and explained what had happened. They told me that the burglar was terrified,” he said. “He had a crisis of conscience and confessed his crimes to his mother.”
Mr Morrison added: “I gather the police were bracing themselves for a Silence of the Lambs moment when they broke into my flat.
Chief Inspector Stephen Naylor, of Merseyside CID, said it that would have been “a dereliction of duty” if the police had not followed up the allegation made by the burglar, who had been arrested for a separate offence.
A police spokesman added: “He thought he saw a head in a jar. It was obviously a very serious allegation and it was important that we investigated.”
The burglar, who has not been named, had taken items worth hundreds of pounds, including a digital camera and tape recorder, before being scared off by the mask.
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p800Ed
Joined: May 06, 2003
Posts: 19
From: UK
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What's Brown and Sticky?
a stick!
People would have believed the alibi of accidental shooting if you hadn't changed clips, twice. |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Good gawd tranquil, that is too funny! 
(man i gotta start building a head, model it after me roomie and I'm guaranteed burglar free! )
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chili.
The waitress says, 'The guy next to you got the last bowl.'
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal,
but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, 'Are you going to eat that?'
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down,
his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl!
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
________________________________________________________
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
__________________________________________________
A guy walk’s into a bar and says to the barman “Six double whiskeys please” the bar pours the shots and the guy knocks them back one after the other.
“Another six” says the guy, the barman obliges, and the guy knocks them back.
“What’s the occasion” asks the barman “Just had my first blow job” the guy replies “Great!” says the barman “Let me buy you a whiskey”, “No thanks,” says the guy ”if those 24 whiskeys don’t shift the taste nothing will”
____________________________________________________
Johnny overheard his school chums talking about something called a "Vagina" one day. Curious, he went to his father and asked him exactly what it was.
"Johnny," His father explained, "A vagina is something of great importance and wonder to men and boys alike. It's something volumes of books have been written about, men have fought wars over it, throughout the world men worship it like a God. Before sex it's the most beautiful thing you'll ever see."
Johnny thinks about this for a minute and asks "What about after sex daddy?"
Daddy looks at Johnny and says "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
________________________________________________
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered
around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she
gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have
some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in
school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and
she said, "But Miss Lewis, not even when things are all f**ked up?!"
_________________________________________________
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets
full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful
blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his
bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls."
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him
thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, asked:
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
_____________________________________
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy
replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,
where did all of my intelligence come from?" The
father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from
your mother, cause I still have mine"
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very
fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar,
and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he
finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket,
then he ordered another double scotch. After he
finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt
pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the
bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks
all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look
inside your shirt pocket before you order another,"
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my
wife When she starts to look good, then I know it's
time to go home,"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and
said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife
_____________________________________________
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
____________________________________________
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"
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Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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(I think). Heard the 'shrimp' joke a couple of years ago though.
[addsig] |
Yoeppie
Joined: Mar 28, 2003
Posts: 257
From: Anywhere where ur not
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Blonde Nun
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel." |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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heh
rebirth. |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
fcd
Joined: Jun 13, 2003
Posts: 73
From: France
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Sorry, it’s the translation from a joke I heard in a movie, in French, so pardon me for the wording & vocabulary:
There is this one guy, who is the world-most renowned hunter. He tracked and killed everything he could, in every part of the world.
Having won all the prices and competitions, he gets bored.
But then one day, a Hindu-looking guy knocks on his door and says to him:
“I know you are a well-known hunter and that you believe that you have nothing left to do to prove your bravery. Still, if you come with me to my country, I will show you the biggest and fiercest bear man has ever seen. And it’ll be yours to kill, if you can.”
The hunter agrees to accompany the Hindu to the remote parts of India. So he packs his guns and goes. The trek is long, and the party finally arrives at dusk on top of a hill. The Hindu gets to the hunter and shows him:
“Over there the is a lake. Besides it, you can see there is a big-big rock. This is where the bear sleeps every day. And every morning at dawn, he wakes up, stretches his arms and legs and goes singing ‘pum-pum pudum pum…’ ”
So the two settle the camp for the night, and the hunter readies his gun for the next morning.
Minutes before dawn, he gets to a clear spot on the top of the hill, adjusts his gun and waits for the bear. The Hindu wisely retreats to “have a better view…”
As the sun starts rising, the hunter sees the bear wake up and emerge from behind the rock. The bear stretches his arms and legs, and starts singing “pum-pum…”
At that exact moment, the hunter aims his gun and shoots a big bullet that slashes the air and reaches to the bear. But before it hits him, the bear does (Matrix style) turn on himself, stop the bullet with its paw and throw it on the ground.
The bear turns into the direction of the hunter, gets really mad and starts running to him. Within a few seconds, and even before the hunter could actually move, the bear is on him, lowers the guy’s pants and f***s him hard… The bear then returns to the lake and his singing…
The Hindu calls for helps, and the hunter is taken to the hospital in Bombay where he undergoes heavy surgery, etc.
After four weeks, he his out, and goes back to the very same spot to kill the bear.
At dawn, he waits patiently for the bear to wake up, holding a helicopter machine gun (you know kind of big thing sending 100 bullets per second) in his hand.
The bear wakes up, stretches his arms and legs, and starts singing “pum-pum…”
At that very moment, the hunter pulls the trigger and 1000 bullets lacerate the air aiming at the bear.
But as he was to be hit, the bear bends Matrix-style again and avoids every bullets.
And, again, he gets really mad, within seconds is on the hunter, lowers the guy’s pants and f***s him harder.
Two month later, after getting out of the hospital, the hunter goes back to the hill, with a huge rocket launcher with laser aiming system and stuff. He waits patiently for the bear to wake up, and when he first hears “pum…”, he pulls the trigger.
The bear smashes the rocket with his bare claws, gets really angry and runs to the hunter who is so astound he cannot even move.
The bear gets to him, stares at the hunter and says:
“C’mon, be serious, admit that you didn’t really come here to kill me…”
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Posted: 2003-08-18 18:58
