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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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haha nice guys
cy the translation was a bit messed?
rebirth. | |
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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it wasn't easy... i had to improvise. u see 'jack' in portuguese is named equal to 'monkey'... so the line would be: my 'monkey' killed u're dog (which is hillarious to begin with)... well at least i tried. 
nice pope joke btw... and the beavers were something else...! 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Poker Closet
Maids.
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, so the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
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During a long rain delay, a baseball color commentator decides to kill some time by sharing a little trivia with the play-by-play announcer.
"I'll bet you don't know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975," the color man says.
"Everyone knows that," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron."
"How about who had the most RBI's between 1955 and 1975?"
"Easy," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron again."
"OK, here's a harder one. Know who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?"
"I'm not sure on that one, but I'm guessing Hank Aaron."
"Nope," says the color man, "Liberace."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Company cars are better than regular cars because...
1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.
17. They have special batteries that can be drained and jumped repeatedly without damaging the electrical system.
18. They come with "temporary" spares that are good for 50,000 miles.
19. They have specially reinforced bumpers for moving annoying objects, such as shopping carts and sub-compact cars in parking lots.
20. All repairs can be accomplished with the cheapest after-market parts available.
21. Parking brakes do not need to be dis-engaged to drive.
22. When parking on a hill, it is safe to leave it gear and ignore the parking brake.
23. The upholstery is impervious to stains, burns, and makeup.
24. They are easily parked in spaces intended for much smaller cars.
25. They are bullet-proof, so you can be as obnoxious behind the wheel as you want to be.
_____________________________________________
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it
was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You Bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean
and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. " Aw f**k, it's started."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"
"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."
"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted? He said, "I want to have s e x with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it!.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s e x with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught".
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter
home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and ...........
HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!"
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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talk bout planning...totally wicked 
by any chance is the little boy's name bush jr
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
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heh...this is a fantastic thread!
hours of entertainment :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
toughluck
Joined: Mar 17, 2003
Posts: 2
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Colonoscopies
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies
1."Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2."Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3."Can you hear me NOW?"
4."Oh, boy, that was spincterrific"
5."Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6."You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7."Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8."You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey."
9."Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
11."Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12."You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13."Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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A Crappy Date (A True Story)
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater
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JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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haha
havent seen u for a while mr shitter
rebirth. |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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@vlam:
@jwy: howdy mate....hope the blackout din really affect ya....they're saying to watch out for a baby boom 9 mths later hows it hanging mate.....classes gettin to ya yet, like it did to diaper boy???
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
PM |
it will soon
i was out of power for 13 hours!!!!
some ppl were worse tho
rebirth. |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Heard about the guy that died coz the airco switched off and could no longer cool his skin?? Poor bastard, he'd had an electrical shock a couple of yrs ago that burnt him badly... survived..... now he dies coz the thing that failed to kill him finds a new way of torturing him. Poor soul. 
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Posted: 2003-07-26 18:57
