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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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just a note, u forgot to censor the last f***
rebirth. | |
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Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: He couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
_________________
 Reality is just an illusion
[ This Message was edited by: Caveman on 2003-07-24 12:48 ] |
Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very
close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to
HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker
does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against
him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf"
[addsig] |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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that nuns one is good. the dwarf one is older than an old person on national old week, but it's still good
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Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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I'll make sure my joke supplier does better next time 
[addsig] |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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tell him to shape up or lose it, cavey!
after all u're supplying expert clientele... 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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haha yeah the nuns one was good
rebirth. |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in the north of england
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
i had heard that one but with an angolan soldier and a russian grenade... very funny still. |
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
PM |
lol
rebirth. |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
check this one out (it's a translation... let's see if i get it right...):
A guy was walking a large menacing dog and he unleashed it so the monster could run a little. 5 minutes later he can't find the dog so he starts looking 4 it.
another guy with a little kid by his side goes to him and asks: 'sorry sir, are u looking for a dog?'
the dog owner answers: 'yes, my dog BRUTUS is missing... did u see it?'
the guy says with a reluctant look: 'sir... i'm sorry to say that my jack killed u're dog!'
the dog owner looks @ the kid and answers laughing: 'u must be confusing dogs mister... my dog's a PITT BULL, u see...'
the man answers with an even more reluctant look: 'and my jack is HIDRAULIC...' *points at kid and finishes* 'THAT is my son Tommy...'
_________________
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity... 
I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!
Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister... 
[ This Message was edited by: cyanx7 on 2003-07-25 19:12 ] |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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erm... i think portugese jokes are kinda outta frequency to me
anyways...
This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:
Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W,
Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;
Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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that's brilliant
nope i think the translation from portuguese must've lost something with that other joke tho
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Diggs09
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: 434
From: Australia
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Here's one I got sent today, sorry if it has been posted already.
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks
around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for
a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
priest says no.
He baits the hook for him and says "give it a shot father". After a few
minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the
boat.
The fisherman says, "Whoa ! Look at the size of that f#cker!"
Priest : "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry father, but that's what this
fish is called - a f#cker!"
Priest : "Oh ! I'm sorry - I didn't know"
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big f#cker"
Bishop: "Please mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: " No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called,
and i caught it. I caught
this f#cker!"
Bishop: "You know. I could clean this f#cker and we could have it for
dinner"
So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and takes it to Mother
Superior.
Bishop : "Could you cook this f#cker for dinner tonight ?"
Mother Superior : "My lord ! What language !"
Bishop : "No, sister, that's what this fish is called - a f#cker !
Father caught it, I cleaned it and we would like you to cook it."
Mother Superior : "Hmmm. OK, I'll cook the f#cker tonight."
Well the pope happens to be in town so he stops by for dinner with the
three of them. The Pope finds the fish delicious and asks them where
they got it.
The Priest: "I caught the f#cker !"
The Bishop: "I cleaned the f#cker !"
Mother Superior: "And I cooked the f#cker !"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, but then
takes of his hat, puts his feet up on the table, rips a long fart,
lights up a spliff, pulls out a can of lager and says, "You know, you
c#nts are alright !"
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2003-07-24 06:50
