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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answers these questions:
Q: What does it take to achieve 100% in life? Let's do the math ...
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
BUT, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude, with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, it takes the Attitude to get you there; but if your boss wants more ... Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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My suspicions confirmed after all....  good 1 shits 
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Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Actual Medical Chart Notes
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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lol.
rebirth. |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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"The Suppository Incident"
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.
"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, "What is it then?"
He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."
______________________________________
An 87 year old man visited his doctor and aske for "a half dose of Viagra."
His doctor asked, "Why only a half a dose?"
He replied, "I only need enough to keep from peeing on my shoes!"
_________________________________________
3 men walked into a bar. The bartender said if you can stay in my basement for a day i will give you free beer forever. The first man says easy but walks out 5 minutes later. It's impossible you gota swarm of flys in there, so the second man tried his luck but couldn't take no more then 10 minutes. So the thrid guy goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it, he said I sat in one corner and pooped in the other.
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Jowi
Joined: Feb 21, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Pilipinas
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady
replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind
of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00AM
as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he
was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he
would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the
little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed
with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that
the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President
asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." |
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
PM |
haha good one!
rebirth. |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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oldie-but-goodie
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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One resignation letter I would like to see being tendered....heheh...
Dear Sir (Sir my ass!)
This will confirm my nice resignation with your f**ked up company.
I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a
bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await
me, unlike when I worked with you assholes. My last day of work will be
when you realize I came in late the night before and cleaned out my desk, including all the stationery supplies I requested and received last week(haha).
I've deliberately left lots of undone shit for the new f**ker, not
forgetting the ongoing projects I never completed. I'm certain your
dumb ass will never figure out what's happening. Once the company finds
out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well. Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the streets, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this nice company has been very unrewarding. I
appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone
to a better future. I wish you and the organization not a nice thing, bitch-ass motherf**kers!
Fuck you very much.
My worst regards to you and your torn-pussy mother.
Insincerely yours,
Ms. XXX
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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HEAVY... 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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i mite use that
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Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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*saving letter to disc...*
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
just glad to be of service is all
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Posted: 2003-07-16 11:37
