| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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That's not nice... 
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brownjs
Joined: May 03, 2002
Posts: 222
From: scotland
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that is bloody digustring and sick
orang3 what do you look up on the net apart from esato cause that is sick . you are aperv |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Check out some more of the stuff that's on Rotten.com.
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brownjs
Joined: May 03, 2002
Posts: 222
From: scotland
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no thanks i do not want those horrible images ingravedin my brain |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Some of that is so horrible.
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brownjs
Joined: May 03, 2002
Posts: 222
From: scotland
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well you should not have che cked it ouy?
oh yeah mhorton did you geta an email from the guy selling t68 for £130 ? (see the forum ) |
Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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brownjs
No mate I didn't
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sooty
Joined: Mar 05, 2002
Posts: 88
From: Nijmegen, The Netherlands
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@mhorton
I've been away for a while, but I have been enjoying your jokes on my return.
Keep up the good work Mark ! 
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vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
I must apologise for the quality of some of these jokes, but don't shoot
the messenger.....
Seamus was drinking all night at the pub. The bartender finally tells him
its closing time, so Seamus stands up to go and falls flat on his face. He
tries to stand up again but with the same result. So he thinks to himself
that he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober
him up a bit. Once outside, he stands up and again falls flat on his face.
So he thinks, 'Bugger this' and starts crawling home. When he gets to his
front door he tries once again to stand up, manages to open the door but
promptly falls straight back down on the floor. He crawls in and quietly
crawls up the stairs where he manages to pull himself upright by his bed.
He crawls in and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He wakes up the next morning with his wife standing above him shouting at
him. 'So, you've been out getting pissed again, have you?' Thinking he
hadn't disturbed her coming in the previous night, he tries on an innocent
face and says 'What makes you say that, love?'
'Because the pub called. You've left your wheelchair there again!'
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He
asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, 'Don't you want to
participate in our competition?'
The guy asks 'What's it all about?' The barman informs him, 'All you have
to
do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.'
The guy replies, 'No I don't think so mate... the steaks are too high!
A man goes to a club and is refused entry.
'Sorry Sir,' says the bouncer, 'but I'm afraid I can't let you in without a
tie. We've had a lot of disturbances recently, so we're trying to attract a
better class of person. No tie, no entry.'
The man walks back to his car in the hope he might have a tie. Instead he
finds a set of jump leads, which he proceeds to wrap around his neck and
tie in a knot. He walks back to the club and says to the bouncer, 'Will you
let
me in now?'
The bouncer looks at him, thinks for a moment and then replies, 'Well, I
suppose so, in you go.'
As the man walks in, the bouncer adds, 'But I'm warning you... don't start
anything.'
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent: 'Sean, I've got you a job. Start
early tomorrow, you'll have to be there for 10-ish'.
Connery furrows his brow 'Tennish? ...But I don't even have a racket'.
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks
around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very
embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her
little accident.
She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
'Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?'
Very uncomfortable she asks, 'Sir how much does this rug cost?'
He answers, 'Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when
you hear the price.'
This bloke walks into a pub, and there's a horse behind the bar serving the
drinks. The bloke is staring at the horse, when the horse says: 'Hey mister
- what are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving pints
before?'
The bloke says, 'No, no, it's not that... it's just that I never thought
the parrot would sell the place
Two blondes were both on the elevator in the Admin. Building. A man gets on
who's perfect: Italian suit,handsome, great build with a nice butt, but
unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the next floor and once the doors close, one girl turns
to the other and says, 'Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.'
The other blonde replies, 'How do you give shoulders?
A man is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A
passer by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
'I've locked myself out of my car' replies the man.
'That's not a problem' replies the passer by, 'Step out of the way, and let
me try rubbing my bottom on the door'.
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in letting the
man try - it might be worth a laugh. The passer by turns his bottom to the
car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door. Suddenly, the lock
opens and the passer by turns and opens the car door.
'That's amazing!' says the motorist, 'How did you do it?'
'It's easy' replies the pedestrian. 'I'm wearing khaki trousers.'
A man walks up to the main desk in a library and says in a loud commanding
voice to the librarian, 'I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an
order of fries'.
The librarian looks up at him, shocked. Summoning up all the testy
authority
she can, she says to him, 'Sir, this is a library!'
The man pauses for only a split second and then leans over close to her,
cups his hand over his mouth so as to direct his voice only to her ear, and
whispers, 'I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an order of fries' |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
In an English train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking
fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass
through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When
they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and
by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must
have
slapped his face".
2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him".
3) The Frenchman thought - "That f'ing Englishman put his hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that French twat again". |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
On a Greyhound bus headed who knows where, three strangers
meet and start conversing about the recent worldly events.
The strangers were of varying cultures. One was a native
American. Another was a cowboy from Texas. The other person
was a devout Muslim. During their conversation, they began
to discuss their cultural history. The native American stated,
"once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim then
chimed in and said, "once my people were few and now we are
many." The cowboy looked at the Muslim and said with a sly
grin, "that's cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims, yet!"
***********************************************************************
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of air-liners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The
horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
*************************************************************************************************************
One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his
funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup
of a heart made up of red flowers. When the pastor finished
with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the
heart closed again.
At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of
laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to
him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was just looking forward to my own funeral," the man replied...
"I'm a gynecologist." |
brownjs
Joined: May 03, 2002
Posts: 222
From: scotland
PM, WWW
|
ha ha ha ha great jokes more more |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
A letter to the editor of The Times
Sir,
Driving to the office this morning on the M5, I looked over to my left and
there
was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 KM/H with her face up next to
her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the
coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone and! DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went
to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty
Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since
diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
pay.
The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts
them over his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter."
*********************************************
Doctor David Wilson had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty
all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"David, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one
of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it
go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"David, you're a vet...." | |
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Posted: 2002-06-27 19:41
