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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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On a business trip in Mexico, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to
learn they will be executed, although none of them can recall what they
did to deserve it.
The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words.
"I'm from Yale Divinity School, and believe in the power of God to intervene
on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants
the man alive and they let him go.
The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School, and believe
in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law is on this
man's side, so they let him go.
The last man says, "Well, I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're
not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those two loose wires
down there."
________________________________________________________
A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again answers "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
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haha
where do u guys get this stuff?
rebirth. |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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the big jokes database on the 5mb Hard-drive in my head
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed
biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now
or you'll
answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
a good samaritan is a dead samaritan
nice one eleventy7
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Jowi
Joined: Feb 21, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Pilipinas
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Very funny, must read.
Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.
Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Soh : "Give me a green one, please "
=============================================================Ah Soh is filling up an application form for a job.
She supplied the information for the columns on
Name, Age, Address etc
Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected"
She is not sure of the question.
After much thought, she writes " Yes "
=============================================================Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"
Saleslesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it ?"
Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke" (^_^)
=============================================================After taking photocopies of documents,
Ah Soh always compare it with the original for spelling mistakes.
=============================================================Ah Soh always smile during lightning storms
Because she thinks her picture is being taken.
============================================================= How can you tell if the fax is from Ah Soh ?
Because it has a postage stamp on it.
=============================================================Why can't Ah Soh dial 911 ?
Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
=============================================================Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.
Her friend get a seat downstairs and Ah Soh goes upstairs.
After a while, her friend goes upstair to look for Ah Soh and find her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering
Her friend : "What happened to you ? why are you shivering, I was enjoying my ride downstairs"
AhSoh : "Yeah, but you've got a driver but I don't" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
oldies but goodies...
only thing replace 'ah soh' with 'a blonde'
oh well...
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
works either way mate....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Sjemboll
Joined: Oct 14, 2002
Posts: 7
From: The Netherlands
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An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair,a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for his own good. Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart."
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Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences if, as a community service, they speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs. They accept and report back to the judge one week later. The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off of drugs?" He replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs." "That's great," replied the judge, "How did you do that?" The man says, "Well first I drew two circles like this." "And then," he continued, "I pointed to the big one and said, 'This is your brain before drugs." "And then I pointed to the small one and said, 'And this is your brain after drugs." "Well," says the judge, "its simple yet effective." He asks the second man how he did. The second man responds, drew two circles just like he did, but I got 100 kids off drugs." "Wow, that's amazing. What did you say that worked so well?" "First I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before jail!"
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In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
On 2003-07-03 03:02:15, Sjemboll wrote:
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
shhhhhhhh!!! ouch!!!
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.
She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."
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JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
PM |
omg
how can he sleep through that?
would he be rudely awakened?
rebirth. |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
obviously he wuz high on weed
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Posted: 2003-06-27 14:57
