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nocturnalchipmunk
Joined: Jan 16, 2003
Posts: 364
From: California, USA
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Martin Luther King... sadly.. i can imagine him saying this... 
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Jowi
Joined: Feb 21, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Pilipinas
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LAWYER LAUGHS
Submitted by iVillager John D.
The following are from a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. |
BS'n
Joined: Mar 29, 2003
Posts: 67
From: Norway / Askim
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what is this?
 it's me I'm bad to write english, sorry  |
Jowi
Joined: Feb 21, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Pilipinas
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its a natural court hearing conversations... |
BS'n
Joined: Mar 29, 2003
Posts: 67
From: Norway / Askim
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ok...
وو.
he he he he....
it's me I'm bad to write english, sorry |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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brilliant
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BS'n
Joined: Mar 29, 2003
Posts: 67
From: Norway / Askim
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jes. but brileant for me ... ...
it's me I'm bad to write english, sorry |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had given her a prescription for the male hormone testosterone.
The woman was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places where I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly ! normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
The woman replied, "On my balls."
______________________________________
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -
fireman, policeman, salesman.
Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked
him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to
the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the ass."
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring and
took little Johnny aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "he's really French", but I was too embarrassed to say"
___________________________________
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks
what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill
me." The other drunk says "do what I do, my pal. Explain to your wife that
some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell
her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes
cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home,
sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes
and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look
for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the
pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said
the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?" "He did," says the
drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
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toughluck
Joined: Mar 17, 2003
Posts: 2
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Quote:
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On 2003-06-20 19:30:19, Eleventy7 wrote:
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -
fireman, policeman, salesman.
Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked
him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to
the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the ass."
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring and
took little Johnny aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "he's really French", but I was too embarrassed to say"
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What has being French got to do with doing for a living???
Really, this "French are (insert anything here)" went far too far.
The original was: "he's actually a viola player, but I was too embarrassed to say".
Why viola? Because that's the least noticed, least played, least highlighted and least respected instrument in a symphonic orchestra.
I will rephrase my first sentence: has being French anything to do with doing for a living, or is the joke just another excuse to make fun of the French? |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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i do apologise, i didn't mean any offense, merely a little humour.
just read the lawyer snippets, very good!
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toughluck
Joined: Mar 17, 2003
Posts: 2
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OK, no problem. Did I actually sound too rude? If so - I'm sorry all the more.
Anyway, I've probably heard enough of "making fun" of the French by literally replacing blondes in jokes with them, just because they refused to take part and condone actions they were not mandatory to. |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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okeydokey. The piss-taking of the French on my part isn't purely to do with the recentworld events, it's because i'm British, and the British have always taken the piss out of the French, it's only the yanks that have only just caught on
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kath
Joined: Apr 09, 2002
Posts: 140
From: Venus
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somethin to laugh about?
http://www.esato.com/board/viewtopic.php?topic=31189&forum=6& 
Carpe Diem. |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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ghosts ....
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Jowi
Joined: Feb 21, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Pilipinas
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PLEASE DON'T LAUGH
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen." | |
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Posted: 2003-06-20 07:25
Taste the rainbow, sweetheart!
