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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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http://www.365jokeplace.com/Pics/SSRTMPLT.asp?sorder=9&cat=Kids
http://www.365jokeplace.com/Pics/SSRTMPLT.asp?sorder=33&cat=COMPUTERS
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Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
[addsig] |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Quote:
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On 2003-05-23 00:23:38, nocturnalchipmunk wrote:
@mhorton -- was that a true story?!  and by the way.. it's not women drivers... it's asian drivers!! 
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Not sure mate,
Sounds true though
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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nah, usually i'd settle for a curry puff
donuts tend to be very messy 
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
nocturnalchipmunk
Joined: Jan 16, 2003
Posts: 364
From: California, USA
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maybe it's one of those fat, American police officers!
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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I apologize in advance for the poor quality of this:
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
> they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the
> form of
> an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze,
>
> a tree off in the distance.
>
> As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
> upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
> juicy
> nearly raw bacon, all sorts.
>
> "Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're
> saved!!!"
>
> "You're right!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree
>
> salivating at the prospect of food.
>
>
> But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of
> machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend
> quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
> Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
>
> With his dying breath Pepe calls out "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon
> Tree. .. .
>
>
>
>
> it's a Ham Bush!
_______________________________
Poor poor david beckham to get his hair done he spent a whole FIVE hours
in the salon twisting and pulling twisting and pulling twisting and
pulling twisting and pulling until he read the door then he finally
realized it said 'push'
_________________
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"
___________________________
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy.
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed,
"Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat. She replied,
"And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit."
__________________________________
Word to the wise.
Women issues.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
____________________________________
First grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their
handsexplode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however,
one exception. A girl named Rita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Rita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Rita why she is an Indian. "Well, my mom and dad are Indians,
so I'm an Indian too."
The teacher is now angry . "That's no reason", she says loudly "If
your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then" says Rita, "I'd be an American."
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-28 13:51 ]
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-28 13:52 ] |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Very good!!
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
why did u apologise in the first place? they're good! i loved the last one... 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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i only posted the first one originally, which was what i apologised for, coz i thought it was a bit poor. I added the others after
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Jowi
Joined: Feb 21, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Pilipinas
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nice one! |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the chief monk said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the chief monk said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the chief monk said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the chief monk.
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office.
"What are your two words you want to say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"I'm not surprised," said the chief monk. "You've done nothing but whine and complain since you got here."
_________________________________________
Theres a construction worker who's really lazy. He's up on the fifteenth floor of this building his crew is working on. The construction worker realises he needs a hacksaw and screams down to his coworker,
construction worker - Hey!
coworker- What!?
The construction worker begins signaling so that he does not have to scream, he points to his eye for "I". Then he points to his knee for "need". Then he makes a back and forth motion with his hand for "hacksaw".
The coworker nods and pulls down his pants. The coworker begins masturbating. The construction worker sees this and screams in frustration.
construction worker- HEY! You idiot! I meant I need a hacksaw!
coworker- I know! I was trying to tell you I was coming!
________________________________________________
Seven degrees of blonde
1st Degree:
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."
2nd Degree:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
She hands it to the second blonde.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd Degree:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th Degree:
A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."
5th Degree:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
6th Degree:
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.
"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car,
"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."
7th Degree:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
GEMS! they're all gems!
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity... I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH! Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister... |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish
each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and
he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want
to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"
Moral of the story is: "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
*********************************************************************
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
Lesson II - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
**************************************************************
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now
irritated, then yelled,"What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What
kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
**********************************************************
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SH*T!!!!!!!........."
Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes shit does happen
**********************************************************
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. "
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my friend how to spell a 'Mississippi'."
_________________
If it looks like shit, feels like shit, smells like shit & tastes like shit...it's prolly SHIT!!!
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-06-05 04:04 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a
bank president.
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2003-05-23 09:10
Taste the rainbow, sweetheart!
