| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
 that last one's brilliant!
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
__________________________________________________________
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a
diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I
start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I
start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink
coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies,
"Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only
one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only
an inch of water in the tub. How can you expect me to bathe in this?" He
replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
___________________________________________________________
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?
__________________________________________________________
A man was on a trip when he crossed paths with a indian tribe. The indian chief told the man that he had to deliver a note to another tribe and if he didnt they would hunt him down and kill him. The man reluctantly agreed and was given a horse to ride. The man was on his way and after a few hours the horse stumbled and broke its leg. The man realized the horse was no longer usable and took his gear and the letter and walked and walked untill he came upon a old man at a ranch. He explained to the man that he needed a horse promptly in order to deliver a message or else he would surely be killed. The man being a retired priest agreed and explained that he had 2 horses. A young one that runs fast but does not listen. And an old one that is slow but listens well. He said that he would take the slow old one. The priest agreed and told him that the commands were not normal and went on to explain the commands this horse knew. He said to get her to run you say praise the lord, to get her to stop you say amen, He said ok. no problem, jumped on the horse said Praise the lord and he was off. Well things were going good until he saw a cliff up ahead, He was pulling on the reigns and saying Ho ho! Stop! but the horse kept running then he said oh wait thats right, Amen! The horse stoped just inches from the cliff, he wiped his brow and said whew Praise the lord!
___________________________________________________________
Old dog, clever trick.
Race 'round the farmhouse.
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
_________________________________________________________
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."
___________________________________________________________
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a shot of Vodka. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes out. The bartender tries to wake her but can't. When he sees that no one else is in the bar he locks the door and has his way with her.
The next day the girl walks in and the bartender calls 5 of his friends and tells them what happened. She orders a shot of Vodka and passes out. They all have their way with her.
The following day 10 guys show up at the bar. She comes in and orders a shot of Vodka, drinks it, passes out and all 10 have their way with her.
The fourth day she walks in and the bar is packed, standing room only. She walks up to the the bar and orders a shot of Tequila.
The bartender looks and says, "But don't you drink Vodka?"
She replies, "I used to, but it makes my pussy sore."
| |
|
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop". " Mom blushed, but was pleased for her
daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words "British Airways" Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
BA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways
|
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Sjemboll
Joined: Oct 14, 2002
Posts: 7
From: The Netherlands
PM, WWW
|
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
___________________________________________________________
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history,and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascination’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
___________________________________________________________
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya...Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and a
redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said 'It's either
screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end
of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came
up to me, boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more
wood than my boat does!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you
can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,Dave, way WAAAYYY
out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at
her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.... She had a d!ck, Dave! She had
this great BIG f##ken d!ck!........
And I can't swim Dave! I can't f##ken swim man!!!!!!"
___________________________________________________________
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
|
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
One morning, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt
and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your
girdle." The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." With that, the woman turned and grabbed her husband by his privates. She said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid
of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother."
|
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
__________________________________________#
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
|
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
|
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
|
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Yeah it's not a bad one.
|
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Sir,
Driving to the office this morning on the M5, I looked over to my left and
there
was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 KM/H with her face up next to
her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the
coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone and! DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
some recycling campaign goin on?
ooo... some1 got himself a new phone 
congrats
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
i don't have any patience to go through all the forums and ask this question: is the phone good?
i trust u!  |
nocturnalchipmunk
Joined: Jan 16, 2003
Posts: 364
From: California, USA
PM |
@mhorton -- was that a true story?!  and by the way.. it's not women drivers... it's asian drivers!!
|
JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
PM |
same question cy has!
rebirth. |
nocturnalchipmunk
Joined: Jan 16, 2003
Posts: 364
From: California, USA
PM |
damn.. francine's hella getting on my ass about this asian stuff! who cares? i'm asian! can't i make fun of myself?! 
| |
|
Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
|
Posted: 2003-05-16 19:47
Taste the rainbow, sweetheart!
