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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Anything you can do...
Feat of strength.
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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feel free to join in whenever you're all ready!
Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself
in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just
exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor told her that her heart would be just below her left breast.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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looks like me again
An old farmer and his brand new young bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the younger horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the young tender horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little while, the gelding stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride scolded him,
"That was so stupid!"
The farmer said, "That's once."
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Where you getting all these joke from.., I don't get sent that many
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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i don't get sent them, just trawl my vast database in my head for them 
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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crap...
how do you do that?
i usually get the file not found or file corruted errors when i try 
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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i quite often get HTTP 404 error!
it's when u get a BSOD that u've really got a problem
_________________
Mornin.
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-10 11:52 ] |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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*corrupted
now wheres that reset button on you?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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I have all the buttons i need embedded behind my ear: Ctrl Alt Del
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank. "I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"
"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."
"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.
"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless w****r."
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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already jealous that te guy is allready headed 4 madrid? 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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due to the lack of input from my fellow joke-threadians recently, i hereby present a contender for worst joke ever:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the woman behind the counter. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £ 30,000 loan to take a holiday." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the
manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £ 30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant, "I mean, what in the world is this?".
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > (you're gonna love this)
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> >>> > > > (a masterpiece)
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> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
The bank manager looks back at her and says :-
"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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http://www.richsalter.net/flash_scrapbook_items/04_claykittenshooting/04_claykittenshooting.html
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Sjemboll
Joined: Oct 14, 2002
Posts: 7
From: The Netherlands
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A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk." Indian: "Horse no talk" Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?" Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk." Indian: "Dog no talk." Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?" Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk." Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"
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With his balls nearly on fire, a horny rat was tearing down the jungle path. Spying a parrot up in a tree, he screeched to a halt and propositioned the bird. No go. In growing desperation, the rat took off once more and shortly thereafter noticed a monkey swinging through some vines up ahead. But the monkey, too, turned him down cold. With his aching balls now nearly dragging on the ground, the rat resumed his feverish search for something to put it to. At length he saw an elephant browsing beside the trail. Racing up to her, he panted, "Hey, moma, want to get it rough and hard?" The elephant looked him over, sorta smiled, and replied, "What the hell. Hop on and show me your best stuff." So the rat jumped up on her and started going at it. Just as he was really hitting his stride, a coconut fell from the tree over head and struck the elephant right between the eyes. "Ouch!" she yelled. The rat paused in mid-stroke and said
triumphantly, "Suffer, bitch! Suffer!"
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An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair,a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for his own good. Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart."
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
[ This Message was edited by: Sjemboll on 2003-05-16 00:05 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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they're good....they're all GOOD....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Posted: 2003-05-08 14:49
