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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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Capt_Neo
Joined: May 01, 2003
Posts: 26
From: London, UK
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lol  |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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apologies in advance to our indian community 
Indian English
This is an actual collection of leave letters and applications written by people from India.
1 . A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave.
3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".
7. A covering note "I am enclosed herewith..."
8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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. <---this is how it lock on the toilet after the fly has taken a dump
this is how it lock on the toilet after the fly has a lose stumic:
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his
Volvo to an Irish gas station. The attendant greets him in typical
Irish manner, unaware of just who the golf pro is.
"Top o' the morning!" he calls out.
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall
out of his pocket..
"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em
for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls onwhen I drive," replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the
Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything!"
******************
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the brassiere came from.
The shocked priest says,"Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a brassiere."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see.... And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter THIS church like that!"
***************
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor took our his thermometer to take her tempature.
"Now, say ahh."
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc."
How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"So be it. Lie on your stomach."
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
********************
After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her !!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Not really a joke but still funny
http://pommi4.mine.nu/sekalaisia/celebxxx.swf
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
what a disapointment, man!!!!! 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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*ahem*
a thousand apologies your garbesty, but the topic reads
'post your funny jokes here'
not
'post your best XXX stuff here'
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
can't i be disapointed anyway?  |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
It's my thead I can post what I like in it, Also if you go to it you will see that it isn't porn at all.,
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[ This Message was edited by: mhorton on 2003-05-07 11:51 ] |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
chill out man!!! i was only joking... take it easy! 
how serious can u get on a joke thread? 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity... I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH! Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister... |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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shut up arguing or mummy won't let u have a lollipop when u get home!
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Quote:
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On 2003-05-07 13:00, cyanx7 wrote:
chill out man!!! i was only joking... take it easy!
how serious can u get on a joke thread?
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Dude I was only messing with ya.,
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember
psalm 129."
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to
remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once
again says "Father remember psalm 129"
Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh
is weak."
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his
way.
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm
129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
***************
How to measure your penis:
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the "=")
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.
Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.
Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-07 20:13 ] | |
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Posted: 2003-05-02 18:29
