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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a
problem with his trees.
He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation.
"Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the
base of each tree with cat manure!" advised the
agronomist.
With some difficulty and great expense the owner was
able to secure enough manure for his trees. The trees
produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a
minor problem, they tasted a bit strange.
With some concern, the owner called his distributor on
the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can
sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?"
"I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure
out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple,
we'll make a fortune!!!"
**************************
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
*****************************
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport
office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled
filling her passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde
trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
****************************
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
"Jon, this is your doctor. I have the test results,
and I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like me to tell you first?"
"Go ahead and tell me the good news, doc."
"Jon, our tests show that you have a rare disorder that will cause your
penis to grow 3-5 inches longer, and grow about an inch to 2 inches in width.
I'm sorry, but your penis will be this way for the rest of your life, there's no way to reverse it."
"Well hell yeah! I don't understand, what's the bad news?"
"It's malignant."
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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Material...
We need more material in here...
This thread is dying. You and i seem to be the only ones left...
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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okok...
dont tell me u havent heard this ollddd 1 
The Truth Is Easier
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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oldie-but-goodie mate, but a least it's some material!
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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 Funny stuff !
As I have posted so many jokes here, forgive me if this one is a repeat ...
- - -
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
'What can I get you?' the barman inquires.
'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man.
'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?'
'Yeah, my first blowjob.'
'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.'
The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Busy again are we Kev,
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gigolo (",)
Joined: Jul 27, 2002
Posts: 21
From: MY MOTHERS WOMB
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hAvE fAiTh!!! |
francine
Joined: Feb 05, 2003
Posts: 41
From: WWW
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 are u pickin' up a fight? |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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gotta nasty feelin this might've been posted before, but hey:
In the Garden of Eden one day, God visited his most beautiful lake. He was horrified to see Eve swimming there ...
He shouted out to her, "Get back to land! NOW!!"
She swam back as fast as she could and stood before her Maker, cold, wet and shivering. "Yes, Lord?"
God chastised His daughter,"Eve! Do you know how long it took Me to get those fish to smell like chicken? NOW look what you've done to them ..."
***********************************
Clyde from Alabama.
Accidents happen.
Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is A fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "About that time
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me and said, "And, how are you feeling?'"
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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> Snappy Answer #1
>
> A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
> a
man
> approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
> coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to
> see your ticket, not your stub."
>
> Snappy Answer #2
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but
> couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf
> stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're
> dead."
>
> Snappy Answer #3
>
> The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for
> speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day,"
> the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as
> I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad
> on his way without a ticket.
>
> Snappy Answer #4
>
> A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low
> bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and
> he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally,
> a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks
> around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
> stuck?"
>
> The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran
> out of petrol."
>
> and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
>
> A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam.
> "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
> might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
> illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other
> excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised
> his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
> suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
> does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the
> lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and
> sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your
> other hand
********************************
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a
20-year-old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give
birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing.
How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "you've got to keep that old motor running".
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running".
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running".
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black".
*************************
Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to college so they could get ahead.
Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.
"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the professor went on.
"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"
"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.
"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"No." says Cooter.
"You're Queer, aintcha?"
******************
Am i keeping this thread alive all by myself or what?
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-29 13:59 ] |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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Thid dude was jabbing on to his mate about he getting his fore skin cutt off. The mate replays i had that done when i was born and i coudent walk for a year!
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks "Get me a Goddamn whisky, you stupid bitch!" The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "Get me another whisky, cunt!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!" A minute later, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit, and throw them out of the plane.
Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says, "You sure are a ballsy bastard for someone who can't fly!"
*****************************
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he
has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. He
freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he
looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap
dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his
manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. The third nun
decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing
happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells!
"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!" | |
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Posted: 2003-04-24 14:57
