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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
***************************
Frogs for sale
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store
in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a
box full of frogs.
The sign says: "Oral S e x" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back
Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said "Just follow the instructions
carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon
as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there".
She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to
her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
store."
So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right
over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!
******************
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a gorgeous young woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini-skirt. As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get aboard, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step. Slightly embarrassed, & with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her & unzipped her skirt a little - thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step,
only to discover that she couldn't.
A little more embarrassed she again reached behind, unzipped her skirt
a little more, & for the second time attempted the step. Once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg enough to reach the step.
With a small smile to the driver she once again reached behind to
unzip a little more, but still was unable to reach the step.
About this time, a tall Texan who was standing directly behind her
picked her up easily by the waist, & placed her gently on the bus.
She went ballistic, and turning on the would-be samaritan , yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!".
The Texan smiled & drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with
you ,but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends".
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
nasty!...
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
PM |
Almost as nasty as this one !
- - -
One day God is walking through the Garden of Eden and sees Adam standing in front of the fountain of life sticking his head down into the water.
God says, "Adam, what are you doing?"
Adam says, "Lord I'm gargeling."
God says, "I can see that Adam but why are you doing it?"
Adam explains, "Well Lord Eve and I just got through having oral sex and I was tring to get the taste out of my mouth. You don't mind do you?"
God thought for a moment and said, "I guess not Adam but it's going to take forever to get the smell out of the fish."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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some nice ones there liebniz
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('',)bluemint
Joined: Feb 12, 2003
Posts: 8
PM |
Subject: A guy from prison
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15
years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him
up
on
a chair, ties up the woman to the
bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then
gets
up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a
prisoner, look at his clothes!
He probably spent a lot of time in prison,and has not seen a woman in
years. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This
guy
must be dangerous, if he gets
angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he
has
not seen a woman in years, but he
was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline
in the bathroom...
Be strong, honey. I love you too."
_________________
Happy meeh! 
[ This Message was edited by: ('',)bluemint on 2003-04-19 12:46 ] |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits
is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a
sign that says, This Bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50
times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign
that says, "This Bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying
"This Bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day. You
could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says
*****
An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting
with St. Peter, at the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden
she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only
someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is
happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having
their heads drilled, to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to
hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped
and sodomized!"
"Yeah, but I've already got the holes for that," says
the old lady.
******
Once upon a time there was a lazy little bird who decided one year
not to fly south for the winter. However, as time went by it got
colder and colder forcing the bird to reluctantly set off.
As soon as the bird got into the sky its little wings froze and it
hurtled to the ground landing in a farmyard.
The poor little thing knew that its time was up.
After a short time a cow walking through the farm deficated
on our friend who thought that now it would surely die. However,
the manure warmed the bird and feeling happier it began to sing.
The passing farm cat on hearing the chirping went to investigate,
cleared the manure and promptly ate the bird...
My little story has 3 morals :-
1. Someone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Someone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit keep your mouth shut.
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
PM |
You forgot the punch line for the first joke:
"yeah, but I bet it wasn't always with the same cow!"
***
The third one is very old. It came from the old 70's Terrence Hill / Peter Fonda western flic "My Name is Nobody."
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malcs
Joined: Oct 16, 2002
Posts: 292
From: UK
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Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road, Roll in mud, Then Cross Back Again?
Because It Was A Dirty Double Crosser!
What is Red and lives in a Tree?
A Sanitary Owl!
ehehehehe. eheh. eh. ah.
malcs pwns now.. go visit his drunk thread....
also esato rules... |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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Quote:
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On 2003-04-16 16:44, leibniz wrote:
You forgot the punch line for the first joke:
"yeah, but I bet it wasn't always with the same cow!"
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doh! what an arse!
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
PM |
- - -
One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him.
"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"
"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?
"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $1000 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."
- - - |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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been quiet here recently, so:
A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after
having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, a
fter the check has cleared the bank."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:
"How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the greatest nice weekend of my life!"
************************
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass.
He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said,
"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall"
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
PM |
I was beginning to think that people had vacated this thread ...
- - -
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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oldie-but-goodie
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2003-04-15 18:49
