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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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GREAT ONE!!! 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  | |
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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An old man and an old woman used to sit in the nursing home all day watching television together.
The old woman would sit there holding the old man's member. The nursing staff tried to get them to stop it but couldn't and decided to leave them alone. Since they weren't hurting anyone, they just put a sheet over the couples lap and kind of ignored it.
But one day the old man didn't show up and when the old woman saw him in the dining hall later that evening she asked, "Where were you today?"
"I watched TV with Martha today" he said quite matter of factly.
With slight cynicism in her voice, the old woman said, "What's she got that I don't have?"
The old man paused and said, "Parkinsons."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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another goodie
A Toast
One evening some men were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest over
who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!," Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself!You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Bad Doggie
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary,
so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
His wife sounded suspicious, but said "Ok, I understand."
After work he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky,
so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up
for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet,
pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
Blondes and monkeys
Space Shuttle launches with the following crew; two monkeys and a blonde.
Once in orbit, NASA is heard.
"This is Houston, could monkey number 1 please carry out your task."
Monkey number 1 jumps over to the console, taps in a few instructions
and a sattelite is promptly launched.
"This is Houston, could monkey number 2 please carry out your task."
Monkey number 2 jumps over to the console and enters the commands
to return the shuttle to Earth.
"This is Houston, could the blonde please ca..."
"I know, I know... feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-09 13:54 ] |
leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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Here's another oldie that I haven't heard for years ...
- - -
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right.
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't", replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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not heard that one b4 but it's a goodie!
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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awesome....simply awesome.....
sign on a car sticker: "Speed on brother!! Hell ain't full yet"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
mkt
Joined: Dec 11, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Poland
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Nice! BTW, My post No.500!!  
[addsig] |
leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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Well done mkt !
btw, where did you get the party hat smilies ? Did you create them special for this occasion ?
- - -
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
[ This Message was edited by: leibniz on 2003-04-10 18:44 ] |
toughluck
Joined: Mar 17, 2003
Posts: 2
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
Partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and tell him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then there is a knock at the door.
He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu
Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and
hang him by the neck until he is dead.
As they are walking away, the Klansmen remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other,
"You know, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful
women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him
wanting to be a millionaire but to be hung like a black man is beyond
me".
******************
Argue with a child.
Whales.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow A human; it
was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
***********************
Chivalry has changed from the days of
Sir Walter Raleigh, but contrary to rumor,
it hasn't died out altogether:
A man will still lay his coat at the feet
of a pretty girl; the difference is that
nowadays it's intended to keep her back
from getting dirty.
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-11 13:52 ] |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Another good one from you Kev!,
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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cheers mark
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gigolo (",)
Joined: Jul 27, 2002
Posts: 21
From: MY MOTHERS WOMB
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hAvE fAiTh!!! |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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did bluemint forget his password or is that a newbie 
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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Five surgeons are discussing who make the best patients to
operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered,"
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
Everything inside them is color-coded,"
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all
up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus
the head and ass are interchangeable."
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Posted: 2003-04-08 18:44
