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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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francine
Joined: Feb 05, 2003
Posts: 41
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man, why can't jokes be shorter, easier to read  hahahaha |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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must try that one myself...!
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Some short ones just for you then Francine:
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."
*********************************************
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."
************************************************
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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francine
Joined: Feb 05, 2003
Posts: 41
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ow my!!!! holy cow!!! |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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@eleventy7
2 oldies but goodies and the 3rd 1s new, nice too 
and would you stop editing them jokes...
cant u leave them pure and virgin? :lol
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.
Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.'
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Doctor Chu Wong.
Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary'
Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.'
- - -
Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking it's dick.
One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him first."
- - -
A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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the 3 are a must... "hong kong dong"
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity... I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH! Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister... |
leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
T68i T616 K750i Nokia-E60 M600i W880i G900 CECT P168+ iFone X1 Nex Razor |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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leibniz - a collection of goodies mate
shawo - what did i edit then m8?
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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And here is another for anyone interested...
- - -
Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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@eleventy7
erm not sure... i forgot 
Special Hymns
The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn: He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
For those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph: God Will Take Care of You
55mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85mph: This World Is Not My Home
95mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100mph: Precious Memories
Three men in a sauna
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said... "Well, will you look at that,
I'm getting a fax."
When men lie...
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.
But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives,so *that's* why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason !!
AIR INDIA
Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for their in-flight meal,the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!" So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me,what is that drink?" he asked.The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said "Milk of India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting."And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. "What is it?" asked the American."Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle. "What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Young Gunslinger
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything
to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time,
but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated
at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, t
hen shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
The Wife
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed that
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!".
I don't remember much after that."
Snow
A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband
had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man,
and after a night of passionate love making she asks him,
"What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again
what his name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell
me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me" the
black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady
bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,
"I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me
when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the
Caribbean!"
France
You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that a
large meteor is heading straight for Earth and it will strike
France at 2:00am one month from today.
France calls and begs you to use all your available arsenal to save it.
You know that by doing this it will take away from the buildup in the
Middle East and hurt the war against terrorism. If you don't, France is toast.
Here is your dilemma: Do you stay up and watch it live,
or tape it and watch it in the morning?
Blondes and flying
One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane.
The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying
lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The
blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, "I'll radio you
every 1000 feet you go in the air." The blonde agreed.
He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and
asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000
feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she
was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the
propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When
she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He
asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before.
The blonde said, ''At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I
turned the big fan off.
Blondes and coffee
When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked,how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, "...and upon rising the coffee is ready!"
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't
understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-08 13:51 ] |
leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.
The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done".
The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies "That's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud "Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2003-04-07 14:27
