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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
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Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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Yaeh they want to hide that the have shitt in there pants!
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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That is historicly true, u know? but it was not the french... it was "il duce" benito mussolini in WWII... 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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I know but it's funnier in the present climate to aim it at the French! 
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I'm Back!!!
Joined: Apr 03, 2003
Posts: 2
From: land of the banished(?)!
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A man who sleeps with an itchy a**hole wakes up with a smelly finger...
In baseball: A man with FOUR BALLS will have a hard time trying to WALK...
Marriage is not a word! It is a sentence... A LIFE SENTENCE!!!
[addsig] |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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a man whoo wipe of the swett in his armpitts with his finger have smelly finger
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'
The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'
'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.
'So what are you here for?' they asked.
'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'
The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'
'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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the oldie-but-goodies are comin at us from all angles now! 
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nocturnalchipmunk
Joined: Jan 16, 2003
Posts: 364
From: California, USA
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real funny timz! jerk off!  quit doing that shit!
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('',)bluemint
Joined: Feb 12, 2003
Posts: 8
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A MAN SPOKE FRANTICALLY INTO THE PHONE, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 5 mins. apart!""Is this her first child?"the doctor asked?"No!" the man shouted,"This is her husband!"
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two guys were introduced to a girl. "hi, I'm peter, not a SAINT." "I'm john not the BAPTIST." "I'm paul, not the POPE." the girl replied. "hello, I'm mary not a VIRGIN!" 
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A man took her wife to a doctor due to a bee entered her private while having sex.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,"Hmmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir." The husband said the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out. The doctor rubbed some honey at the tip of his pen.... and inserted to the lady's vag...."When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my pen... and the bee should follow out."
After a few strokes, the doctor said "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." And so he did. After a while the doctor began shafting the lady really hard and she beagn to moan and groan aloud. The husband noticed that the doctor was enjoying himself and shouted. " What the hell do you think you're doing?". The doctor concentrating and replied " Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
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nocturnalchipmunk
Joined: Jan 16, 2003
Posts: 364
From: California, USA
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait! An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
_________________
 Nocturnal Chipmunk Proud Owner of a T68i
[ This Message was edited by: nocturnalchipmunk on 2003-04-05 08:15 ] |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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now that's a real oldie-but-goodie chipmunk! It was originally an englishman, an irishman, and a scotsman m8, i remember that from primary school bout 17years ago now!
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impac2
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 2
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry
answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks
at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree, The teacher asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Now no reactions or special face symbols on Harry's
face. He was so cool!
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry: legs
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tensed.
Harry: wedding ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself." |
mkt
Joined: Dec 11, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Poland
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It has already been posted in this thread.
[addsig] |
('',)bluemint
Joined: Feb 12, 2003
Posts: 8
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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself
to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down
and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast
is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot break-
fast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,
eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave
me alone, I'm married'!"
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Posted: 2003-04-04 14:54
Taste the rainbow, sweetheart!
