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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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Here's some oldies but goodies ...
- - -
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
- - -
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
- - -
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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some classics m8 
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francine
Joined: Feb 05, 2003
Posts: 41
From: WWW
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hahaha! 
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('',)bluemint
Joined: Feb 12, 2003
Posts: 8
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Jim n Mary wer both patients n a mental hosptal.1 day wyl they wer walkng past d hosptal swimng pool,Jim sudenly jumpd n2 d deep end.he sunk 2 d bottom n stayed der.Mary promptly jump 2 save him.She swam n pulled Jim out.
Wen d medical director knew of Mary's heroic deed,he immediately orderd her 2 be dischargd frm d hosptal, as he considerd her 2 be mentally stable.He den tell Mary d news,he said,"Mary,I hav gud news n bad news.d gud news s ur being dischrged coz u wer able 2 jumpd in n save life of anothr patient,I thnk u hav regaind ur senses.D bad news s,Jim ,d patient u save,hung himself w/ his bathrobe belt n d bathroom.I'm so sorry, but he's dead."Mary replied,"No!...He didn't hang himself,I put him der 2 dry."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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nice one bluemint
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he'sdrinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes
& eats them,then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billard balls, sticks it
in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted."Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass
that cue ball, he measures everything first."
*************************************
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about nice my day."
***********************************
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
****************************************
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on the beach. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book... Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello sir, how are you?" "Fine thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked..
"First time since my wife passed away last year", he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes", he answered, continuing to read..
Jackie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life..
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jackie gasped and asked the man, " How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied, " How did you know my name was Katz ? "
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-02 13:45 ] |
('',)bluemint
Joined: Feb 12, 2003
Posts: 8
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@eleventy: thank a lot!!!
A woman walks into her sex thearapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it? The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viagra worked, and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills? The therapist replies she dosn't know but says to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the sex was even better than the night before. She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills? The therapist once again tells her to give it a try. The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps getting better and better. She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle? The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a person. The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee. A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: are you the "idiot" who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra? Why yes young man I did, Why? Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going, "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..." 
***************************************
...three men walking aimlessly in the dessert, dying of thirst. they came upon a castle. inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. for a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women. after a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. as he walked into his castle he found three men with his women. pissed off, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. the king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. the first man replies, "FIREMAN, the king tells his army, "Burn off his penis!!!". then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. hesitating, the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a POLICEMAN". the king ordered, shoot off his penis. finally the king went up to the third man and asked for his occupation. with a huge SMILE on the face the man replied, "I'm a LOLLIPOP vendor".........
_________________
Happy meeh! 
[ This Message was edited by: ('',)bluemint on 2003-04-02 14:06 ] |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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okay here is a naughty one:
2 men was having anal sex! And then the man with the knob inside the exit hole say: Hey im tirsty and damm im worth it im going to the kitcheen to get me some water. Okay im off to the kitcheen so dont play with your knob wile im gone okay i dont wana miss anything. They agree no hanky panky when he is off to get water in the kitcheen. So wile he the tirsty man is drinking water in the kitcheen he hear a strange sound kind of like: Frrrtfloff!! The man goes back to the bedroom for some more hankypanky. But he finds the bedroom coverd with sperm! The man screams: Hey i said dont play with your knob wile i was gone! The other man replays: I just farted.
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cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
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oh sweet jesus, sister!!! 
no lunch 4 me today... 
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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bluemint - first one oldie-but-goodie, second one goodie
bjerk - nice one m8!
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Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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It once was a swedish dude renting an apartment from a norwegian in Oslo. The swedish duude finds a human shitt on the floor one day! So he picks it up in his hand and walks up to his norwegian landlord and say: I ALMOST STEPD IN THIS ONE!
The sweeds are so lame in there head
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."
The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.
"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.
To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the
beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, Damn,
I was running late this morning after my workout and after I
showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to
the station to get them.
George replied, We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit,
Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the
station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fidos nose shoots
between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of
sniffing, Fidos ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off
in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no
sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen
police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's
balls in his mouth.
***************************
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop freaquency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.
I was rather impressed.
Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"
"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?" I asked.
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.
"Well," he whispered, lower his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
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Now that's funny stuff !
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mkt
Joined: Dec 11, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Poland
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I love the one with monkey! 
[addsig] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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i serious guys....me sides are aching
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Posted: 2003-04-01 21:23
