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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners."
************************************************
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures
had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans
in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis
also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-03 17:50 ] | |
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JwY
Joined: Dec 03, 2002
Posts: 500
From: Canada GTA
PM |
lol
that's some gooooood stuff!! |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
@eleventy: now thats some really good shit.....gonna email it to some of my mates....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
supersonicfruitfly
Joined: Feb 08, 2003
Posts: 17
From: Singapore
PM |
> Professor's Exam, The Car Broke Down
> Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided
> to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they
> showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the
> night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time
> to study.
>
> The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
> That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were
> sure that they knew just about everything.
>
> Arriving to class the next morning, each boy wa! s told to go to two
> separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and
> went to two different parts of the building.
>
> As each sat down, they read the first question.
>
> "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
>
> At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of
> cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test
> continued.
>
> "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
>
>
> Smart Lawyer In Space Trip
>
> NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending
> to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it
> would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
>
> The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he
> wanted to be paid for going.
>
> "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate
> it all to my Alma mater-Rice University."
>
> The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the
> same question.
! >
> "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my
> family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
> research."
>
> The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he
> wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
>
> "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
>
> The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one
> million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
>
> Children'! s Name & Mothers' Obsessions
> A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
> young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"
> he observed.
> To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
> even named your daughter Candy."
> He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
> manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
> At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand
> and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
>
>
> ! UNIQUE BREAKFAST
> A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
> read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down.
> The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
> "What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively.
> "Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.
> "Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting
> that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out
> of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.
> Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"
> The man replied! , "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
>
> Advanced Technologies Found In Ancient Civiliations
> After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
> traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
> conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
> one thousand years ago.
>
> So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
> scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US
> scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibbers, and
> have concluded that their anc! estors already had advanced high-
> tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
>
> One week later, the Indian press reported the following:
> "After digging as deep as 800m, Indian scientists have found
> absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
> ancestors were already using mobile phones and used wireless
> communications."
SE also stands for Superior Equipment.
(says me, and those pple with things called brains.) |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
good one mate 
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
nice one bruv!
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were
getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical...... All the oil
is in California, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico,
Alaska, etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
************************************
85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents to more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action."
Once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris is set to leave again,his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
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supersonicfruitfly
Joined: Feb 08, 2003
Posts: 17
From: Singapore
PM |
An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to
choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his
children, he decided something different. He called young people in
the kingdom together one day. He said, "It is time for me to step down and
choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The
kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one
of you a seed today. One very special seed. I want you to plant the seed,
water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown
from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and
the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others,
received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story.
She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed
and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see
if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths
began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4
weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing. By now, others were talking
about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a
failure.
Six months went by--still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had
killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had
nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just
kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought
their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he
wasn't going ! to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened,
Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took
his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by
the other youths. They were beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Ling put
his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A
few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young
people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants,
trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of
you will be appointed the next emperor!"
All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room
with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling
was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm! a failure! Maybe he will have me
killed!" When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My
name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun
of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and
then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is
Ling!"
Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How
could he be the new emperor? Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I
gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it,
water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds
which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and
plants and flowers.
When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another
seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and
honesty to bring! me a pot with my seed in it.
Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
> > > > If you plant honesty, You will reap trust
> > > > If you plant goodness, You will reap friends
> > > > If you plant humility, You will reap greatness
> > > > If you plant perseverance, You will reap victory
> > > > If you plant consideration, You will reap harmony
> > > > If you plant hard work, You will reap success
> > > > If you plant forgiveness, You will reap reconciliation
> > > > If you plant openness, You will reap intimacy
> > > > If you plant patience, You will reap improvements
> > > > If you plant faith, You will reap miracles
> > > > But
> > > > If you plant dishonesty, You will reap distrust.
> > > > If you plant selfishness, You will reap loneliness
> > > > If you plant pride, You will reap destruction
> > > > If you plant envy, You will reap trouble
> > > > If you plant laziness, You will reap stagnation.
> > > > If ! you plant bitterness, You will reap isolation
> > > > If you plant greed, You will reap loss
> > > > If you plant gossip, You will reap enemies
> > > > If you plant worries, You will reap wrinkles
> > > > If you plant sin, You will reap guilt
> > > >
> > > > So be careful what you plant now, It will determine what you will
reap
> > > > tomorrow
> > > > The seeds you now scatter, Will make life worse or better your life
or
> > > > the ones who will come after.
> > > > Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, Or you will pay for the
> > > > choices you plant today.
_________________
SE also stands for Superior Equipment.
(says me, and those pple with things called brains.)
[ This Message was edited by: supersonicfruitfly on 2003-03-07 14:13 ] |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
25 Signs that you've grown up:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
~
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
~
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
~
4. 600 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
~
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
~
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
~
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
~
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
~
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
~
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
~
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
~
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
~
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
~
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
~
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
~
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 ! ! PM.
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17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
~
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle, your stomach.
~
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
~
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
~
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
~
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
~
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
~
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
~
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
A man boarded an airplane, and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his, and sat down. Eager to strike up a conversation with her, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned to him and smiled and said, "business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a convention for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "what's your role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. " I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the southern redneck."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Cletus."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
classic man.......
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
cyanx7
Joined: Jan 02, 2003
Posts: 228
From: Porto, Portugal
PM |
that one was beautiful, 117... 
best one i read here so far!!!
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...  I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!  Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...  |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
eh?
wasn't it bubba? |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
|
Quote:
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On 2003-03-12 17:50, ShawO wrote:
eh?
wasn't it bubba?
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depends on the version of the joke m8, i prefer Cletus because Cletus is the redneck out of the Simpsons, as in Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
Oh... How could I forget :P But that's the first time i heard this version :-)
This message was posted from a T68i | |
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Posted: 2003-03-03 18:37
