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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
They pay you back by selling you illegal fireworks and let you blow up small parts of your country.
You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
a) You can legally kill yourself
b) You can legally be killed
You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
If other countries want to fight a war, they will do in your country.
You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
You are either:-
a) like the Dutch, just less efficient
b) like the French, just less romantic
c) like the Germans
Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer. Need I say more?
No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
If there's a war you can surrender really early.
You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries (Well who hasn't eh?)
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street
People think you're a great lover even when you're not
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
You can have a woman president without electing her
You can spell color wrong and get away with it
You can call Budweiser beer
You can be a crook and still be president
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
If you can breathe you can get a gun
You get to be really obese
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
a) When you're not.
b) At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
You get to pay the highest taxes in the world
You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
You can go skiing in your knickers.
You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
You can actually get bored with blondes.
You get to wear fantastic jumpers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
Two World Wars and One World Cup-doo-dah, doo-dah
Proper beer.
You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
Union jack underpants.
Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
Ditto changing underwear.
Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
Unembarrassed to wear fur.
No need to worry about tax returns.
Glorious military history prior to 400 BC
Can wear sunglasses inside.
Political stability.
Flexible working hours.
Live near the Pope.
Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
Honesty.
Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
You get to eat bulls' testicles.
Gibraltar.
Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
Give them a second chance...
Oktoberfest.
Oktoberfest-beer.
BMW.
VW.
Audi.
Mercedes.
On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
Contrary to common belief, laughing is not forbidden by law.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
Chicken Madras.
Lamb Passanda.
Onion Bhaji.
Bombay Potato.
Chicken Tikka Masala.
Rogan Josh.
Popadoms.
Chicken Dopiaza.
Meat Boona.
Kingfisher lager.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
Guinness.
18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
Pubs never close.
Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
No one can ever remember the night before.
Kill people you don't agree with.
Stew.
More Guinness.
Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
It beats being an American.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Kill Grizzly bears with huge f**k-off shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
Fosters Lager.
Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
Tact and sensitivity.
Bondi Beach.
Other beaches.
Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
Drinking cold lager on the beach.
Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
Doner.
Shish.
Cos.
Greasy cafes.
Egg, bacon, beans, chips and toast.
Cyprus.
Can take the piss out of the Turks.
Kebabs.
Egg, bacon, beans, chips and toast.
Moustaches.
And finally, if you're not on the list, you're not culturally different...
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Michael Jackson
How doe MJ pick his nose?
With a catalog.
What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other you
carry your groceries in.
Why did Pepsi fire MJ?
Coz he was caught sucking on a Squirt!
How do we know MJ is guilty?
Because he's been fingered by several children.
What is MJ's new book called?
The Ins & Outs of Child Rearing.
When is it bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Why does MJ want to be a jockey?
Because he heard they ride 3 year olds.
What's the hardest stain to get out of little boy's underpants? MJ's make-up.
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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good one mate.....when the big hand is on the little hand
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
fijbert
Joined: Dec 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Montreal / Beirut
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Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
On a propaganda tour through the United States, President George Bush
visits a school and explains his political actions.
Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of
the classroom.
When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them
again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob???
_________________
It's funny how red is the color of love and hell... I guess they go hand in hand
[ This Message was edited by: fijbert on 2003-02-14 07:29 ] |
pachy
Joined: Nov 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
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Q, Whats ET short for,
A, Because he`s got little legs !
Reminder; milk, sugar, crisps, post letter. |
Caveman
Joined: Jan 15, 2003
Posts: 168
From: Cambridge, UK
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Three reasons to have a £ 50 note tattooed onto your penis:
1 - You can play with it.
2 - You can watch your money grow.
3 - Your girlfriend / wife can blow as much money as she likes. |
supersonicfruitfly
Joined: Feb 08, 2003
Posts: 17
From: Singapore
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great thread! some contributions
First-year students at medical school were receiving their first
anatomy class with the body of a deceased man. They all gathered around
the
surgery table where lay the cadaver, covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that
you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To prove his point, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, and after a few minutes of hesitation, took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: You have a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?
The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Officer.
Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.
Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.
Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
SE also stands for Superior Equipment.
(says me, and those pple with things called brains.) |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a liquor store and asks the clerk for a case of beer.
The clerk asks, "What kind of beer would you like, we have imports, domestic, we have all kinds of beer."
The man says, "I don’t care what beer it is, as long as it is not Schlitz."
The clerk says, "What's so wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks."
The clerk reply’s, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks."
"You don't understand," said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You f**king idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Edward walks out of a bar completely wasted, stumbling back and forth holding his car key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was right here at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edward’s penis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you are exposing yourself? "
Edward looks down sadly and moans,
"OHHH SHIT...they got my girlfriend too!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers"
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach
& they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy.
"I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
_________________
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip outta man's genitals through his wallet."
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-02-17 04:18 ] |
Mrwb
Joined: Jan 18, 2003
Posts: 79
From: Stavanger, Norway
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A blond joke...
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
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supersonicfruitfly
Joined: Feb 08, 2003
Posts: 17
From: Singapore
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call me dumb, but i totally did not get the last joke. 
SE also stands for Superior Equipment.
(says me, and those pple with things called brains.) |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
when read aloud slowly it sounds like:
come for the bull
com-for-ta-ble
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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it's an old one that, oldy but goody!
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2003-02-12 09:42
