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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Toast:
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters
club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at
who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
with a toast about you Mary."
She said, Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come!
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Farting:
This is a story about a couple that had
been happily married for years. The only friction in
their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would
wake his wife and The smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him
to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to
rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she
was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband
waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture
she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband
came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants
with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was
the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All
these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to
you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you
always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the
grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I
think I got most of them back in."
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Maestro_Ben
Joined: Dec 22, 2002
Posts: 12
From: Celle/ Germany
PM |
Murphy's Rules of Combat
1) If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2) Incoming fire has the right of way.
3) Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4) The easy way is always mined.
5) Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6) Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7) The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
- When you're ready for them.
- When you're not ready for them.
 Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9) If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10) If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11) Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13) When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14) If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15) When in doubt empty the magazine.
16) Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17) Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18) Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19) Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20) A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21) Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22) The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23) Five second fuses only last three seconds. |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set
the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the
labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and
kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they
decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Whitney was sitting one day when her daughter started prodding her mother's bust and saying, "Mommy, what are these?"
Now Whitney was too shy to tell her the truth, so she replied, "They are balloons and when you die they get bigger and float you up to heaven."
The little girl went away but a short time later she came running back in shouting, "Mommy, Mommy, the maid is dying."
His mother was taken aback and asked why she would say that the maid was about to die. "Well," replied the girl, "both her balloons are out, Daddy is blowing them up, and she keeps shouting, 'God I'm coming!"
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Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
PM |
lol
How do u put an elephants in a fridge?
>
>
>
Open the door and put it in!
The giraffe & the monkey went out. Why wasn't the elephant with them?
>
>
>
He was in the fridge!
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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ummmmm.....
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Quote:
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On 2002-11-12 15:16, ejasim wrote:
Re: The subject of this thread
It says 'Post Your funny Jokes Here'. But aren't jokes supposed to be funny!?!?!  
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nuff said Eamonn. LOL
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Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
PM |
Just wait till I shove Ed's arse up ur head!
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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lol save that for Deize Forums!
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Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
PM |
Of course. A tactic..
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Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
PM |
http://deize.plus-media.co.uk/viewthread.php?tid=31
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Thought you had to get your Forum somewhere!!
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fijbert
Joined: Dec 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Montreal / Beirut
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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a
>>construction
>> > > > site.
>> > > > The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
>>Italian
>> >guy,
>> > > > "You're in charge of sweeping."
>> > > > To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
>> > > > And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
>> > > > He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I
>>expect
>>you
>> >guys
>> > > > to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman went
>>away
>>for
>> >a
>> > > > couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is
>>untouched.
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
>> > > > The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the
>>Chinese
>>a
>> > > > fella
>> > > > that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa
>>disappeared and
>>I
>> > > > nocouldafinda him nowhere."
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I
>>thought
>> >I
>> > > > told
>> > > > you to shovel this pile."
>> > > > The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get
>>meself
>> >a
>> > > > shoovel.
>> > > > Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot
>>ahcouldnay
>> >fin'
>> > > > him
>> > > > either."
>> > > > The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the
>>pile of
>> >sand
>> >to
>> > > > look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps
>>out
>>from
>> > > > behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES"!!
sorry for the crappy layout.. u know how ppl r with forwards
Nobody is perfect, I am nobody, therefore I am perfect |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking
Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her
Place for "coffee". They get back to her flat and she tells him to help
Himself to a drink whilst she slips into something more comfortable.
Just as the bloke's about to finish his scotch and coke, the incredibly
sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
"I am your sex slave!," she announces. "I will do ANYTHING your precious
heart desires!"
The man can't quite believe his luck and says, whilst licking his lips
in anticipation, "Hmmmmm, well a 69 would really hit the spot." Fuk
OFF!!!" the Chinese girl replies angrily. "I am not cooking for you at
this time of night."
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Posted: 2002-12-28 11:39
