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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
bravofly
Joined: Nov 21, 2002
Posts: 153
From: Estonia
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How do you put four elephants in a Mini?
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two in front and two in back
[addsig] |
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mscarrot
Joined: Nov 27, 2002
Posts: 122
From: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
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Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Women?
A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck. |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
HoHoHo...and a Merry XMas to all of ya.....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are . . .very slowly?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr gerrrrrr
Kiiiing."
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Calvin c",)
Joined: Oct 29, 2002
Posts: 108
From: neverland
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this is not a joke but you'll find this very funny...
http://tlf.cx/dearpenis.swf |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
hahahhahahahahahahaha...good one.....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
Joke - Genie World Peace
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie."
The woman didn't hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please make it a bit more reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said "Let me see that f**kin' map again..."
The wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Calvin c",)
Joined: Oct 29, 2002
Posts: 108
From: neverland
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@shithappens, told 'ya it's funny.  |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
this might be a little early but wat the heck.....
You know you're living in 2003 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach yr family of
three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Yr reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a
"9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. Yr CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Yr biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of
yr best jokes.
13. Yr boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contract worker outnumber permanent staff and are more likely
to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the 3rd World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff
your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Yr relatives and family describe yr job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you
anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
25. AND YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO NUMBER 9.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Krubach
Joined: Dec 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Sunny Portugal! :)
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A guy meets a friend and tells him:
- Man! You can't imagine what happened to me yesterday night!
- ...
- When I was going home, i noticed a girl tied up to the railways next to my house. Just like in the Westerns movies. So i saved her, and we fu**d all night long, with me on top, her on top, doggystyle, ... you name it. What a great night!!!
- And what about bj, was she good at it?
- I don't know... i never found her head!!!
[ This Message was edited by: Krubach on 2002-12-23 11:50 ] |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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 necrophilia |
AzNAltezza
Joined: Dec 24, 2002
Posts: 7
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Why did the cookie goto the hospital?
He felt crummy |
AzNAltezza
Joined: Dec 24, 2002
Posts: 7
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2 sausages are being cooked in a pot
one turns and talks to the other:
1st Sausage: Man, Its hot in here!
2nd Sausage: AAAAAAH! a talking sausage
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Christmas cake.
Enjoy!
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Jose Cuervo
2 cups of dried fruit
Directions:
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try
another cup ... just in case Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the Jose Cuervo
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefing. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
Finish the Jose Cuervo and hug the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Share & Enjoy. Hope the holidays are special for you all!
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One
day he rented out his boat to a group of
out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all
day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day
and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his
brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up
a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there
mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your
loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said,
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her
bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she
smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she
split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
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Posted: 2002-12-13 14:02
