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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
pachy
Joined: Nov 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
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What does DNA stand for ?............... National Dislexic association. | |
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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News just in: Michael Barrymore will not be appearing in pantomine this Christmas, apaprently he's already done a-lad-in already this year
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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guys, my contribution this week, bon apetite (no pun intended!!!)
SHIT LIST – Nothing But Excrement!!
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushing.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shit. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
NO MORE SHIT
No, I’m serious. This is the end...
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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African Rituals
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe
whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain
age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a
weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal
experiment coming?"
"Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied.
"You've grown to 12 inches?!"
"No . . . it's turned black."
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and
she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything.
During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a
male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your
Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only
following doctors' orders.
"His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep
overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he
has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very
real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving
a
patient a blow job.
"Oh my", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Nice 1 Mark
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bingo
Joined: Oct 30, 2002
Posts: 152
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Where do I sign for BUPA cover? |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
A travelling salesman visits a small town in Saskatchewan and sees a
circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman"
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets
blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. There, spot lit in the
centre ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is
an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis and smashes
all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause
as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a
faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing
Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still
doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the centre ring is
illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on
the table. The Scotsman stands before them, then suddenly lifts his
kilt and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know
something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well", says the Scot "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be."
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
THREE MICE
>
>Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
>night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
>
>The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass, on to
>the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
>on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it
>in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
>make off with the cheese."
>
>The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after
>the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and
>replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
>it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so
>can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
>
>The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
>
>The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long
>sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta
>go home and have sex with the cat."
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
Just to brag a bit for being Norwegian
+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Norvegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Norvegians plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Norvegians are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Norvegians have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Norvegians start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Norvegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Norvegians start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Norvegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C / -58°F >
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Norvegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Norvegian army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Norvegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Norvegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend. It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street. He was a Fishermans Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar. He had a Rum and Butter. She had a
Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo - I'm the one with the hole (but I'm the
one with the Nuts he thought), then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in at the hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he
slipped his hand into her Snickers and rubbed her Double Deckers. Then he
showed her his Curly Wurly and she tasted his Brandy Balls.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't too keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so
she let him dip into her Chocolate Fudge.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic
Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. She wanted a Moro, but
he decided to take a Time Out, because he thought she was about to have a
Kit Kat.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.
So, he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he
gave her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramello.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught VD. It turns out Ms Rowntree
had a Box of Assorted Creams. She really had been with All Sorts.
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bravofly
Joined: Nov 21, 2002
Posts: 153
From: Estonia
PM |
"Mom, I don´t want to go to America!" - "Shut up and keep swimming!"
[addsig] |
Silencer
Joined: Mar 18, 2002
Posts: 105
From: Norway
PM |
There is a legend that goes like this: In a bar in NYC there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie- poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first. She says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth."
Poof!- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up. She says, "I think I'm the 6iest woman on Earth."
Poof!- the mirror swallows her up.
Last is the blonde. She says, "I think....."
Poof!
What do Budweiser and a couple making out in a cano have in common?
-They're nice close to water.
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bravofly
Joined: Nov 21, 2002
Posts: 153
From: Estonia
PM |
hehe tranquil i´ve heard finns telling your last joke, only they were the heros in it!
[addsig] | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2002-11-22 11:29
