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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
bingo
Joined: Oct 30, 2002
Posts: 152
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@Tranquil
"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them "
Love that - my new motto if you don't mind me nicking it!
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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Did I say that? Yes I did, didn't I? God, that's terrible...
 
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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OK...
To make up for that, here is a bit of moral foy you
Moral of the donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
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Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and kicked the shit out of the farmer that tried to bury him.
Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A German corporation
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian corporation
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A Russian corporation
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss corporation
You have 5,000 cows none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A Hindu corporation
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A Chinese corporation
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A Welsh corporation
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.
An English corporation
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"
''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''
''Damn, that really is a drag!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up my day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ouch!! my sides just split......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ouch (again)....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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here's my contribution:
A stunning 19 year old gal brought her boyfriend home one afternoon and introduced him to her parents. Dad wuz sitting on the sofa with the newpapers with the telly on. Mom wus knitting on the rocking chair.
After a brief chit chat, the gal brought the guy up to her room. The door locked behind them and they started getting into it hot and heavy.
After 15 minutes, mom looks up at dad and says, "It's awfully quite up there...maybe you should go look see?" Dad reluctantly puts down his papers and climbs the stairs to her room and took a peek into the keyhole. He then returns to his seat and papers and says, "It's alright, they're just kissin and fondlin one nother"
Another 15 minutes passes and the mom beckons dad to go see again. Dad's upset at the interuption but complies nevertheless. He peeks, then returns to his papers saying, "Nuthin much, they're undressed and doing the 69 is all"
A further 15 minutes passes and the mom makes her request once again. Dad's real pissed at the constant irritation and interuption but he loves his wife so he complies and go take a peek. His face turn bright red, then black and he kicks open the door in all his fury, runs in, grab the astonished young man by the hair and tosses him out of the window. "I LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, LET YOU KISS AND FONDLE MY ONLY DAUGHTER, EVEN LET YOU F**K HER SILLY BUT YOU NEVER, EVER, WIPE YOUR DI*K ON MOMMA'S CURTAINS!!"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
d_kid
Joined: Aug 26, 2002
Posts: 0
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TWO WOMEN WENT OUT ONE WEEKEND without their husbands. On the way home, before dawn, they felt the desperate urge to pee and the only place to stop in was the cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they decided to pee there in spite of the fears. the first one did not have anything to wipe herself with, so she used her panties and then discarded them. The second woman, not finding anything either, thought "i'm not getting rid of my panties", so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath by a gravestone to clean herself with.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one said to the other, "we have to be on the look-out, it seems that our wives were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties". The other responded, "You're LUCKY. Mine came home with the card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you!" |
d_kid
Joined: Aug 26, 2002
Posts: 0
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A woman walks into her sex thearapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it? The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viagra worked, and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills? The therapist replies she dosn't know but says to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the sex was even better than the night before. She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills? The therapist once again tells her to give it a try. The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps getting better and better. She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle? The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a person. The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee. A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: are you the "idiot" who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra? Why yes young man I did, Why? Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going, "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..." |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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"While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit),I passed over a bridge only to find a a cop with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: £95.00
Court Costs: £45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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simply PRICELESS!!!! keep the quality stuff comin.....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
jcpsad
Joined: Oct 15, 2002
Posts: > 500
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hahahahahahaha ) this thread is cool! hahahahahahaha )
www.photos.panelo.com
www.panelo.com
www.bilog.panelo.com
www.pbalive.panelo.com |
Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
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Re: The subject of this thread
It says 'Post Your funny Jokes Here'. But aren't jokes supposed to be funny!?!?!  
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Eamonn, your point being what exactly?
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Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
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Its all written there!
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2002-11-05 15:21
