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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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more than happy wiv that
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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That's cool
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swazi
Joined: Oct 07, 2002
Posts: 499
From: Swazi in Bahrain
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Do u believe in love at first sight or do I have 2 walk by again
Email ecollyer@consultant.com
8810 + 7650 + SE T630*HBh-65, i know waiting for P900 to come down in price |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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That's not a funny joke, just a cheesy chat-up line!
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
A guy comes in to a pub and notice a jar of money on the counter.
He asks what it is there for and the bar tender tells him to put a ten pound note in it before he can reveal the secret.
After having done so he's told he can win the whole jar by doing 3 exersices.
1 drink a whole bottle of Scotch, bottoms up with no funny faces.
2 free the pit bull in the back yard for it's tooth ace by pulling out it's tooth with his bare hands.
3 free the 90 year old woman upstairs for her virginity.
I'll give it a go the chap says.
1 bottle of scotch, no problem...
Off into the back yard. Screaming, shouting and all sorts of sounds you would combine with pain was heard in the pub. Then, silence....
The guys in the bar thought the cappie was dead by now. Then all of a sudden he stumbles in, ripped shirt, blood all over and really looked like he'd had a hard time out there.
"OK!" he shouts "So where is this 90 year old bat with a tooth ace?"
_________________
[ This Message was edited by: tranquil on 2002-11-04 14:16 ] |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
Oh, just had these on an e-mail at work...
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had
something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the
road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick
O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella
that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving
violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda.
He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no.
Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles:
"Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either".
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bingo
Joined: Oct 30, 2002
Posts: 152
PM |
OK.... is there anyone left in here who HASN'T posted the "Miles from Dublin" joke?  |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
Sorry...
I didn' even know it was there, I only copied a e-mail I got whilst writing the one before my last post. I know, I probably should have read thrug them before flinging them in here.
Please forgive me... 
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
no worries....still funni tho.....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
This one then?
> THE DIRTY MIND TEST
> 1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same
> as intercourse?
>
> 2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
>
> 3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
> long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they
often blow it?
>
> 4. What word starts with f and ends with uck?
>
> 5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt.
> One of which is a word for a woman?
>
> 6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
>
> 7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?
>
> 8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a
> girl fat?
>
> 9. What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of
> birdcages?
>
> 10.What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some
> men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife
> after they are married?
>
>
> The Answers:
>
>
> THE DIRTY MIND TEST
> 1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same
> as intercourse?
> talk
> 2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
> legs
> 3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
> long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they
> often blow it?
> A £10 note
> 4. What word starts with f and ends with uck?
> firetruck
> 5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt.
> One of which is a word for a woman?
> bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
> 6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
> pants
> 7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?
> fork
> 8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a
> girl fat?
> a Snickers bar
> 9. What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of
> birdcages?
> grit
> 10.What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some
> men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife
> after they are married?
> their surname
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
PM |
One more today...
>
> I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
>
> Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
>
> I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
>
> Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
>
> WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
>
> You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
>
> BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
>
> I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
>
> So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
>
> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
>
> I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
>
> I'm just driving this way to pee you off
>
> Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
>
> Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
>
> It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
>
> I took an IQ test and the results were negative
>
> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
>
> Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
>
> If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
>
> 1,000,000 sp*rm and YOU were the fastest??
>
> Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot
>
> Forget world peace - visualize turning off your indicator!
>
> HANG UP AND DRIVE!
>
> Where there's a will...I want to be in it!
>
> Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>
> I have the body of a God .......... Buddha
>
> This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
>
> If we quit voting will they all go away?
>
> This bumper sticker exploits illiterates
>
> Eat right, exercise, die anyway
>
> Honk if anything falls off
>
> I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere
>
> He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit
>
> He who laughs last thinks slowest
>
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
Yeah, don't fret over it tranquil... 
but i heard that one before too...
- So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
- Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking?
- Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
- I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you,
I've changed my mind.
- I must admit,
you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
- As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- Someday I hope to get married.
But not to you.
- Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
- When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- We have been friends for a very long time...
what say we stop now?
- I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
- Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
[ This Message was edited by: ShawO on 2002-11-05 13:00 ] | |
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Posted: 2002-11-01 18:38
