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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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This is it......till the next round....i've saved the best 4 last....hope u like this one as much as i did:
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL!!
IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I
was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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How to shower like a WOMAN:
Take off clothing, place in sectioned laundry basket according to lights, dark, handwash, etc.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Squeeze legs/arse to show cellulite, complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Wash hair with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with added vitamins.
Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave hair for 15 mins.
Wash face with apricot facial scrub for 10 mins until red raw.
Wash entire body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse off conditioner.
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini line, but decide to get waxed instead.
Turn off shower.
Spray mould spot with bath cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry hair with a towel the size of a small African country.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
Take one and a half hours to get dressed.
How to shower like a MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave in a pile.
Walk naked into bathroom.
If see wife, wave knob at her while shouting "WHEY HEY".
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror and scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower.
Wash arse leaving hairs on soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make mohican hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to look at self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole duration of shower.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and look at size of knob AGAIN.
Leave shower curtain open and bathroom light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife pull off towel shout "YEAH BABY" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes and pants.
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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That's a good one.
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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the cream of the crop!!! |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa.
Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of
the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger,
"What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a
lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!".
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
Perfect day for a Woman
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife has gained 30 lb.
1:00 Shopping with friends
3:00 Nap
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror
7:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
9:30 Hot shower. Alone.
10:00 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
Perfect Day for a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Drive mint condition '63 Corvette 30 miles to airport
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell & 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lb.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland
7:00 Watch CNN News flash. Clinton resigns
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Go to bed
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Raven
Joined: Jul 01, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Norway
PM |
Quote:
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On 2002-10-23 16:32, shithappens wrote:
Perfect Day for a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Drive mint condition '63 Corvette 30 miles to airport
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell & 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lb.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland
7:00 Watch CNN News flash. Clinton resigns
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Go to bed
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep
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I would LOVE a day like that!!!!!
Aaaaaah, my life sucks..... 
carpe noctem |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
wouldn't we all my fren...wouldn't we all......
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
okie dokie.....here u go folks:
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a rest room facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice.
So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine were just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.
After an agonising 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," Said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD SAY
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up; it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away; the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD SAY
10. I think The Village People are some cool motherf**kers.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4. Maybe I could do the dishes tonight.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. F**k Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
and last but not least:
HEIGHTENED SENSATION
Subject: The Height of Things…
Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of suspense: Ten male prisoners taking a bath and one of them drops the soap.
Height of indecision: Ten male prisoners taking a bath, and nine of them drop the soap.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness: (1) A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest. (2) A man after shitting on the seaside waiting for the tide to clean his ass.
Height of Competition: (1) A guy peeing beside a waterfall. (2) A topless lady standing near mount everest.
Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with VELCRO.
Height of Pain: (1) Sliding down a rocky mountain using your balls as brakes. (2) Screwing a meat mincer.
Height of Expectation: A gay couple buying a baby's cot.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs"
they get ushered into see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and
gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey,
there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns
around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
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d_kid
Joined: Aug 26, 2002
Posts: 0
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thats good hope keep it coming guys | |
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Posted: 2002-10-22 17:26
