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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
drow
Joined: Aug 27, 2002
Posts: 224
From: Denmark
PM |
The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. | |
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
A bloke starts his first day at the zoo and is given three tasks. The
first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds, so he starts on this
when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is well pissed off
and not wanting a fish to get the better of him he beats the offending
fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be
best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish.He hits on
the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions eat
anything, so he throws the fish into the lions cage. He then moves onto
his second task of the day,which is to clear out the monkey house.He
goes in and a couple of the chimps start to throw coconuts at him.
Unamused, he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them
instantly.He's well worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps
to the lions, as we know lions eat anything. He hurls them into the
lion's cage and off he goes to his next task. His last job is to collect
honey from the South American bees.He gets the hive open and the bees
swarm out and start attacking him. Alarmed he grabs his spade and starts
smashing the bees as hard as he can;squashing them to death.By this
point he's not too worried about the death of the bees as he knows what
to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat
anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.It saunters up to
another lion and says "So what's the food like in here?" The other lion
says:"Magic! Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy
bees".
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
Adam & Eve
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Chinese?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, Eve would have said, "Quick, Adam! Catch the snake also! Snake also can eat, mah!"
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Malay?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, both Adam and Eve would have said to him, "Rilek lah! Tomorrow also can eat!"
Why is that Adam and Eve could not have been Indian?
Because they would have conned the snake into eating the apple.
Drive You Mad
One day, Mr. Choe Seng Lee walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on Business for two days and needed to borrow $5000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan.
Mr. Choe then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's carpark and parked it there. Two days later Mr. Choe returned and repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $13.07.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. Why would you need to borrow $5,000?"
Mr. Choe replied, "Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 13 dollars and with security officers to guard somemore?"
Starting Young
One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, an Indonesian and a Singaporean.
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.
However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Indonesian baby and said, "Clean that up!" |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
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Eamonn
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: > 500
PM |
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequilla!
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evoke
Joined: Mar 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
PM |
Quote:
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On 2002-10-16 20:41, ejasim wrote:
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequilla!
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LOL i suppose they get better with age! 
Mark love the BEER one!
Ed
[addsig] |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Yeah that one wasn't the best. But the beer one was funny.
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
Geez...
and i thought you guys were all dead!
Brits & M'sians
The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions.
Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing:
Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL...
Britons : Hello. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY...
Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews. (excuses)
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY...
Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-nid.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION...
Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at the door) Can or not?
WHEN ASKING TO BE EXCUSED...
Britons : If you would excuse me for amoment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please, carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Malaysians: Toy lert, toy lert.
WHEN ENTERTAINING...
Britons : Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy ah.
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE...
Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER...
Britons : I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan.(don't want)
WHEN DECIDING ON A PLAN OF ACTION...
Britons : What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Malaysians: So how?
DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION...
Britons : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what that you said about...
Malaysians: You mad, ha?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICES...
Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm
trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah.
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU...
Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you starring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what? Ah..
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons : We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!
WHEN FACED WITH A DISAGREEING PARTY...
Britons : Well, horses for causes,to every man his own.
Malaysians: Bas-ket(bastard)! stupid!
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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lor
Joined: Mar 07, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Planet Bob
PM |
Good one ShawO
[addsig] |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
hey lor!
you're still alive!!! 
getting kinda lonely here...
well here's more...
Oxford - Singapore/Malaysian Edition
These words are legit. They do exist in the dictionary.
Just a different meaning.
1) LILY - adverb. extremely, really
"Wah, you lily can sing well ah!"
2) VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily)
"Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"
3) GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley
"Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"
4) CORAL - verb. to bicker
"Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"
5) REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with
"You lily want to coral reef me ah?"
6) ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable demeanour
"Ah Lian lily got a bad altitude ploblem".
7) CIRRUS - adjective. certain
"You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"
 CANOPY - phrase. impossible
"He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money?"
9) OLDLADY - adjective. completed
"Wah...you finish oldlady ah."
10) SUIT - verb. to project forward
"Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out oldlady."
11) SOW - verb. to reveal
"Sow me, sow me your new ting."
12) LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel & tar
"We go Orchard Load leh."
13) BLINK - verb. deliver, send
"What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me." |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
More Urban Myths You have just got to love the American education system, is it almost as good as our A-Levels at the moment
Collage 268 27 MAY 96
SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ___________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) BC
___ (b) AD
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
This is a question that was once used in a job selection process:
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. An old friend who once saved your life. The perfect woman (or man) of your dreams.
There can only be one passenger in your car and you don't have enough petrol to return to the bus stop once you have left it. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job selection process so your future could depend on how you answer this question.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY? (scroll down)
He answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
The moral of the story is that we can gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations and "Think Outside of the Box."
Nobody came up with the "Australian" correct answer which is, of course, to run over the old lady and put her out of her misery, sh** the perfect woman silly on the bonnet of the car and then drive off with your old friend to the nearest pub to get drunk
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
No1. RULES THAT GIRLS SHOULD KNOW.......
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1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
16. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But don't worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
PM, WWW
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It just demonstrates how you have to know the requirements up
front.... communication is everything! Sometimes it DOES take
a Rocket Scientist! (true story).
Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of
Airlines and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements
were made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the
chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.
The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:
"...Defrost the chicken."
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2002-09-04 01:34
