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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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That's a funny one. 
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captainsm
Joined: Jun 25, 2002
Posts: > 500
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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Human Resource Lingo
COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
TOO PUSHY !!!
A lesson on being too pushy!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning." |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." he man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Cool keep them coming!!
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dmgpizen
Joined: Nov 30, 2001
Posts: 323
From:
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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!
1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5) Are You Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
 I pay your salary!
9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13) What? You need a license to drive?
14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
15) Is your power a penis substitute?
16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind
21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me
30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut
35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol
39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.
40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot? |
ICE
Joined: Mar 20, 2002
Posts: 49
From: Norway-stavanger
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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I think I'm going to put all these on a web-site. What ya think?
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
man goes into jewellers and starts scratching his arse like mad.
jeweller threatens to kick him out,
man says "but your sign says come in and pick your ring in comfort"
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Beatrix
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: 62
From: ...ThE CiTy ThAt LoVeS YoU BaC
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HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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orang3
Joined: Mar 28, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Never_never_Land
PM, WWW
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cool .. finally i found a reciepe i can be good at ..
Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you |
Wings_Talons
Joined: Mar 21, 2002
Posts: 242
PM |
It was my forty-fifth birthday. I knew my wife would say "Happy Birthday." She didn't even say, "Good Morning." I thought, maybe the children will remember. The children didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, its such a beautiful day, let's go to lunch, just you and me." That was the best thing I had heard all day and I agreed. We went to lunch, into the country to a little private place. On the way back, she said, "You know, we don't need to go back to the office, do we? Let's go to my apartment." After arriving there, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something comfortable."
Sure, I replied excitedly. In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch I sat... naked.
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
OFFICE SARCASM
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me,
and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Most of these are awful (if not all of them)
A lorry load of red paint crashed into a lorry load of blue paint. The
drivers were marooned for hours.
A lorry load or terrapins crashed into a lorry load of tortoises. It
was a turtle disaster.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at
the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The
barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear,
and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers
office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was
stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened
criminals.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
In Iraq.
A plane load of spit crashed into the sea, there were no salivas...
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2002-08-11 18:57
This post was posted from a W995 
