| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
PM, WWW
|
All this talk of genetically modified food being bad for you and tasting horrible is absolute nonsense. Just the other night, I had lovely big leg of salmon and it was delicious...
Whoever coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" has obviously never tried Morrison's own-brand Chedder.
I came home last night and the missus had made me some sandwiches.
"What's in them?" I asked.
"Crab Paste." She said.
"Oh yeah?" I said. "Where did you get that from ?"
"The Chemists."
| |
|
Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
PM, WWW
|
Here's a blast from the past for older computer enthusiasts; one of the earliest examples of a hugely popular viral email / bbs message. And it's still one of the best, I reckon!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to
all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very
serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.
_____________________________________________________
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
_________________________________________________________
|
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
^ 
|
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
PM |
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers.
It makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is
hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe,
Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more
or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there t o make her feel important, They
even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men
building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house
again this week, as well?'
The little girl thought for a moment and said...
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewson's deliver the nice bricks.'
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent. ...
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
|
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
Studies have shown that Americans are heavier drinkers than Brits.
They just don't drink as much.
|
Neo-Tech
Joined: Sep 24, 2006
Posts: > 500
PM |
Lmao at this
MEN VERSUS WOMEN AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to
machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with
your PIN written on the inside back
page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct
PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.. And they need a laugh, too!
|
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
PM |
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck....
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
PM |
Not really a joke, but classic 2 Ronnies.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks and losing her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
THE END.
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
PM |
Have You Ever Wondered...
Why does the sun lighten our hair,
But darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara
With their mouths closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
And dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
Called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
Called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting,
Who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box
That is used on airplanes??? ??
Why don't they make the whole plane
Out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
When they are all stuck together?
|
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
Lovingly wrapped in a nice creamy white envelope, with gorgeously detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp.........this isnt just any P45 its an M&S P45
|
tranced
Joined: Jan 19, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: Santo Domingo, wonDeRland
PM |
first time here i think...
what's more bitter than a lemon?
two lemons.
im bored
|
chabam
Joined: Feb 04, 2009
Posts: 1
PM |
Do u know the story of that donkey who says No
This message was posted from a SGH-J750 |
Pradhika
Joined: Jan 11, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: India
PM |
When a crack complained of pain in the whole body when pressed, the doctor told: ofcourse you have a finger-fracture.
This message was posted from a 6300 |
paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
PM, WWW
|
The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya
got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car,
all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer!
He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's
feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on
him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.'
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me | |
|
Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
|
Posted: 2008-11-23 15:41
jay0726 | 
