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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'
£5.00 says you're gonna read this again. . .
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z | |
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Muhammad-Oli
Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: The NZ of L
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On 2008-09-05 16:08:48, procterdc wrote:
3. Upon inspection of the brand name Shreddies™, I have noticed a hidden message encoded within. This message reads, “SHRED DIES”. This rather disturbing, yet quite frankly feeble attempt at a subliminal message could be gesturing towards a number of possibilities:
3a. “Shred” is none other than the zaney hunger-monger, and as the message encoded on the packaging reveals, he dies. Does this mean that the mad rumble merchant is on death row?
3b. could also be an out of date insight into the cartoon and film series “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles™”. To which Nestle™ have “predicted” that the main villain (SHREDder) dies.
Haha, that's the best bit. Even though the whole letter is brilliant.  
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2008, 2009, 2010 Best Australasian Member. |
Muhammad-Oli
Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: The NZ of L
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On 2008-09-05 16:21:01, procterdc wrote:
I cannot help but think that marketing such dangerous objects as “sweets” is asking for things like this to happen.
I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation. Although I most certainly do not want any more of your “sweets”. Please do not hesitate contact me if you have any queries in the matter.
That bit is great too.
Does Robert Murphy have any more of these letters? If so, where can I view them?
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2008, 2009, 2010 Best Australasian Member. |
Muhammad-Oli
Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: The NZ of L
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If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?
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2008, 2009, 2010 Best Australasian Member. |
ripplestars
Joined: Sep 02, 2008
Posts: 21
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well tests will be testical but i was wondering if there is something like quizical |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked!
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
iqtidar
Joined: Mar 08, 2006
Posts: 292
PM |
hahahahaha... :lol::lol::lol::lol:
did ur wife get mad? |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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It didn't really happen to me, found it on another site, but thought it was hilarious.
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse
and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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Bath in Holy Water
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
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Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
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I heard today that Sting, the famous musician and former front-man of 80's band 'The Police', reckons that he can suppress Orgasm for over 7 hours.
That's nothing. I've been shagging my missus for over 7 years, and she's NEVER come once...
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procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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I've got a mate who i've nicknamed "Spiderman" its not cos he's brilliant at climbing walls, its cos he can't get out of the bath.
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
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A blind guy goes to a prostitute but, as he is blind, he can't see what he is getting and ends up with a pox ridden old boot.
They go upstairs and she undresses. He runs his hand over her spotty arse and recoils.
"It's okay," she says, "It's just a bit of acne."
"Thank god for that," he says, "I thought it was the price list..."
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AbuBasim
Joined: Nov 04, 2005
Posts: > 500
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As Kevin thumbed through the thick pages of the ancient manuscript lately found deep in the bowels of the Enzo family library in Castellino, with its depictions and detailed woodcuts of the morbid crimes committed during the Spanish Inquisition, he couldn't help but marvel at the serene faces of the Florentine martyrs (Italians are so much tougher than they look!) and thought that his own expression would differ slightly if he were being sawn in half using the crack of his butt as a straight-line.
. . .
There are certain people in the world who emanate an aura of well being -- they radiate sunshine, light up a room, bring out the best in others, and fill your half empty glass to overflowing - yes it was these very people thought Karl, as he sharpened his mirror-finished guthook knife, who were top of his list.
_________________
Snuck! It's ointment time! -- Mad Jack the Pirate
[ This Message was edited by: AbuBasim on 2008-09-17 13:42 ] |
Trev1982
Joined: Mar 07, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: 192.168.0.6
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I was asked to do a 10 mile 'Fun Run'. I said"Piss off".They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."Then I thought,f@ck it,I could win this. | |
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Posted: 2008-09-05 17:41
