| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
shelly58
Joined: Jun 19, 2004
Posts: 373
From: Nottingham UK
PM |
 ^ (whizzkid)
_________________
always look on the bright side of life...de dum..de dum..de dum..
Esato Feedback +5
[ This Message was edited by: shelly58 on 2008-08-27 17:11 ] | |
|
whizkidd
Joined: May 14, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: India
PM, WWW
|
Ok here goes.... one more..
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
T230 >> T610 >> Ngage QD >> N73 >> N85 >> Omnia HD >> And countless other review units |
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says
"Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says
"No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says
"Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says
"Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him,
breaking bottles over his little jelly head,
lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood, turns to Smartie and says
"I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was", says Smartie,
"but those Lockets are menthol!"
|
shelly58
Joined: Jun 19, 2004
Posts: 373
From: Nottingham UK
PM |
Little Old Lady
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just laydown and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
always look on the bright side of life...de dum..de dum..de dum..
Esato Feedback +31
PS3 ID: menalishka |
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
'American English' seems to be a term used more and more often these days.
But why not just use 'illiterate'?
|
faultymonkey
Joined: Sep 17, 2005
Posts: 29
PM |
Here's one with almost some taste...
What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?
Having legs
(__/) (o.O ) (>0<  this is a rabbit with a hand grenade, copy him into your sig to dominate the world! |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
PM |
Scouse Vasectomy.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesborough, parts of Bradford and
anywhere in Wales,most southern States of USA,and Mexico
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
But not Oldham? Cheeky git!
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2008-09-04 15:03 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
|
HornyNick
Joined: Mar 09, 2008
Posts: 77
PM |
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn''t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate''s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk''s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Council complaints - These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He''s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can''t take it anymore.
3. It''s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off.
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can''t get BBC2.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman,Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, ''''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought �300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don''t even have a fridge to keep it in.''''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.''''Just last week, she went out and spent �17,000 on a new car,'''' he laments
''''and she doesn''t even know how to drive!''''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'''' he chuckles.''''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece,i watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn''t even have a penis!''''
----------------------------------------------
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork''s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ''Let''s be avin'' da fingers and I''ll see what oi can do''.
Paddy said, ''Oi haven''t got da fingers.''
''Whadda ya mean you haven''t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin'' Jaysus, it''s 2008! We''s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn''t ya bring da fingers?!?''
And Paddy said, '' How da fock was I ''spose to pick dem up?''
[ This Message was edited by: HornyNick on 2008-09-04 17:05 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
LMAO
|
Muhammad-Oli
Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: The NZ of L
PM |
On 2008-09-04 18:03:27, HornyNick wrote:
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
This message was posted in the mail
2008, 2009, 2010 Best Australasian Member. |
gaming_guy
Joined: Oct 10, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
On 2008-09-04 18:03:27, HornyNick wrote:
21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
how does that work then?
K700i > K750i > K810i (current phone)
|
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
PM, WWW
|
Complaint letter to Nestle
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing with regards to an advertising campaign employed several months ago. The television adverts in particular, featuring “Shreddies™”, to which the slogan was “Keep hunger locked up ‘till lunch ©.”
These interesting infomercials demonstrated a very practical factor of the wholesome yet surprisingly tasty and nutritious squares of shredded wheat I was previously unaware of. I am of course referring to the whole wheat malted cereals’ capacity to be encapsulate a blue (what I believed to be animated) hunger causing character, until my afternoon meal (AKA lunch).
The process in question included cunningly awaiting the arrival of the creature and allowing him to drum a catchy rhythm on ones stomach, before consuming a portion of the malted parcels of Nestle™ goodness. Thus causing the dramatic captivity of the darkly shaded founder of famine, rather like a snare or bear trap.
However, after purchasing several packets of the aforementioned morningtime mayhem prevention, (47 in total) and laying in wait for the small, yet highly strung menace of elevenses to appear, so I could witness the imprisonment of “hunger” for myself, as the above commercial advertises “Keep hunger locked up till lunch ©.”
The underrated terrorist of AM snack times failed to even rata-tat-tat on my kitchen window, let alone pitter-patter on my lower abdomen.
This has led me to find some holes in the fibre fortified goodies “ploy”.
1. Upon performing my own research, I have noticed that the slogan “Keeps hunger locked up ‘till lunch ©” has been abandoned, as the box clearly now states the simple, but law suit due to false advertising free, “Keeps hunger locked up ©”, which brings me onto my next point…
2. As the period of time hunger is to be locked up ‘till is now shrouded in mystery, I would like to hear from the horses mouth (providing the horse has not got a mouth full of Shreddies™, or isn’t busy being used as living bass drum), if the period of “hungers’ incarceration is indefinite? Or will this spoon wielding maniac be let out on remand for good behaviour for a probationary period?
3. Upon inspection of the brand name Shreddies™, I have noticed a hidden message encoded within. This message reads, “SHRED DIES”. This rather disturbing, yet quite frankly feeble attempt at a subliminal message could be gesturing towards a number of possibilities:
3a. “Shred” is none other than the zaney hunger-monger, and as the message encoded on the packaging reveals, he dies. Does this mean that the mad rumble merchant is on death row?
3b. could also be an out of date insight into the cartoon and film series “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles™”. To which Nestle™ have “predicted” that the main villain (SHREDder) dies.
4. My intricate research shows that it is likely that Nestle™ have genetically engineered this peculiar percussionist to spread his evil hunger seed, forcing people to buy Shreddies™ under the pretences that ingesting the anti starvation agent will imprison the navy coloured ne’er do well. It is down to Nestles’™ advanced technology (adapted from Japanese televisions) that after a pre-set length of time, the fibre prison “breaks down” releasing the sky tinted psycho back into society and onto another unsuspecting office worker or innocent shopper.
I cannot help but wonder if the campaign has been a big scam to rob loyal customers such as myself of our time and money.
I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation or some detailed instructions on how to correctly activate the brown criss-crossed style cereal into a climax resulting in my “locking up hunger©”. Please do not hesitate co contact me if you have any queries in the matter.
Yours Sincerely,
Robert Murphy.
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
PM, WWW
|
Complaint letter to Tampax (Hilarious)
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to you with regards to a new product of yours, namely “Tampax Compak ©”.
As a man with a “sweet tooth” (not literally). I like to occasionally rummage through my girlfriend’s handbag, for a confectionary item or two, as she too has a weakness for sugary treats, boiled sweets for example.
I’m sure already, you can tell where this is going.
Having just recently seen your televised public safety announcements/ infomercials regarding the dangers of the new Tampax Compak © (without however actually addressing the dangers themselves) I feel devastatingly ashamed and embarrassed to take you through the events that occurred just a few days ago. I would have telephoned your free advise line, I am however, still unable to speak.
Upon meeting my unusually aggressive and tense girlfriend at a café in blue water shopping centre, we sat down and ordered our coffees.
Noticing what I thought to be a “sachet” of sugar in my girlfriend’s handbag, I delved in and retrieved what seemed to be an ordinary “sachet” of sugar. Instinctively I began to shake the sachet to get all the sugar to one end. It was at this point SHE piped up, almost yelling, I quote: “I thought you were on a diet, give me that back!”
Looking rather flushed she snatched the “sachet” from my grasp and marched off to the toilets. Sugar in hand.
My initial reaction was of course anger, thinking she was poking fun at my weight problem. I then decided to relieve my anger by satisfying my “sweet tooth”. So I took my girlfriends absence as a good opportunity to get another “sugar sachet” (or two) from her handbag.
I was livid when I found she had a whole box of them! She was supposed to be on a diet too! “No wonder she keeps complaining if stomach ache!” I thought to myself as grabbed a handful.
Quickly yet easily snapping the end off the attractive plastic wrapper, I was disappointed to discover the absence of sugar, however all was not lost, as I was delighted to find within some kind of “suck sweet”. “I love boiled sweets!” I thought as I stuffed a few into my pocket for the boring shopping journey that lay ahead of me.
None the wiser, my girlfriend returned looking a lot less “concerned” and surprisingly comfortable. I assumed it was her love for shopping. We finished our unsweetened coffees and proceeded to our tedious shopping excursion.
Fifteen minutes into the journey she “just popped in” to boots ©, for something or other. While I just sat outside, bored, with only the sight of the pretty till workers to keep me occupied.
I remembered my sweets as a young girl sat next to me; I offered her one, only to get a dirty look and a back to me as she walked off.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN!!??” I shouted at her as she walked away.
Shaking my head in disbelief I popped a “sweet” into my mouth.
I sucked the ‘sweet’ and remember pulling an unsatisfied face due to the lack of flavour. I only wish that was the only thing unsatisfactory.
From here the next few hours are a bit of a blur. I can only go by what till workers, shoppers have told me and the CCTV images I have observed.
TAMPAX© (no matter how COMPAK© they are) are extremely absorbent.
Lucky enough this “sweet” was only of the “regular” absorbency, which I’m told is best for light to medium flow. Light to medium flow of what? I still wonder.
When my girlfriend ran outside to see what the commotion was about, she fought through the already gathering crowd, only to see me. WITH A RAPIDLY EXPANDING TAMPON IN MY THROAT.
Within minutes, my lips had gone blue and I had lost consciousness. I am told I have my girlfriend to thank for saving my life, as it was her who discovered the empty “sachet” and realised the simple remedy to the situation.
She quick thinkingly had opened my mouth and had found the ironically named “removal chord” stuck to the roof of my mouth. She relaxed, and pulled the chord in the same direction I had “inserted” the tampon into my throat. A little bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation and I was back.
Luckily the only two things that were damaged were my throat (temporarily) and my ego, as you can imagine.
I cannot help but think that marketing such dangerous objects as “sweets” is asking for things like this to happen.
I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation. Although I most certainly do not want any more of your “sweets”. Please do not hesitate contact me if you have any queries in the matter.
Yours Sincerely,
Robert Murphy
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa | |
|
Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
|
Posted: 2008-08-27 18:10
