| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in a sale in the second shop.
In the third everything was reduced to a fiver when her mobile rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had been involved in a terrible accident and was in a critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband where she was and that she would be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up, she realised that she was leaving what was turning out to be her best ever day in the shops. She decided to get in a few more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake, complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. The she remembered her husband and, feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted ' You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you ? I hope you are proud of yourself. While you were in town enjoying yourself your husband was languishing here in the Intensive Care Unit.
Well it's just as well you did because it's more than likely to have been the last shopping trip you will take. For the rest of his life your husband will require round the clock care and you will be his carer '
The woman broke down and sobbed
The female doctor chuckled and said ' I'm only pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy ?'
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nicv27
Joined: Oct 15, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: kent
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Man goes for a complete sex change. After the operation, a mate rings and asks him ''Didnt it hurt when they chopped your Penis and Testicles off ?'' He replied, ''Not as much as when they shrank my brain and widened my mouth !''
Mick asks paddy Why dont u close Your curtains when u & ur lass r shagging ? Yesterday all the street watched u at it & laughed ! Well sed paddy the jokes on them i wasnt home yesterday
Samsung Galaxy S3 White iPad 2 32gb 3G +16/-0 Twitter.nicv27 |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
PM |
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The
door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes
on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass
figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I
could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts
were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I
taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close
to me and sitting down.
She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took
my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and
down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel
good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good
before."
"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked
to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of
a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would
get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the
front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my
hand into her pert, perfect breast.
"How do you feel now," she purred.
"Okay," I
replied.
Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt
THIS good before!"
Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that
game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field,
where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few
defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a
few forwards, clipped the ball over their fullback, regathered and
scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full
time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at
goal with which to win the match and..."
"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of
her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft
cotton, and she was wet!!
She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a
c*nt?"
"I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!".
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
HornyNick
Joined: Mar 09, 2008
Posts: 77
PM |
A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, ''What size condoms?'' The customer replied that he didn''t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ''One box of large condoms, Register 5.'' The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn''t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ''One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'' A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn''t know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, ga ve him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said... (you''ll love this one...................)
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''Cleanup, Register 5''
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masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
PM |
Re: My Last Year on the Computer
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.
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HornyNick
Joined: Mar 09, 2008
Posts: 77
PM |
A little British humour
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French womans poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular "Americans are so rude. Mt little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman siting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seen to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wroong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
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Thinking outside the box
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it does move and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
7. If you cant fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought:
Sompe people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. |
gaming_guy
Joined: Oct 10, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
On 2008-08-16 12:22:11, HornyNick wrote:
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
then you will have the sh*ts! 
K700i > K750i > K810i (current phone)
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procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
PM, WWW
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Daily Thought:
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
Absolutely brilliant lol
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
krlosRD
Joined: Apr 05, 2008
Posts: > 500
From: ERROR643:GPS Failed to load
PM |
Hi people,
Do you know what the toilet said to Santa Claus the other day?
"...Oh, come on Santa, you always with the same gift  "
JAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA 
End of Message.
Nokia N8 Silver 32GB oranchRD
iFon4 Factory Unlocked 16GB claroRD
"El secreto de una vida feliz es precisamente darse constantemente peque�os gustos" |
shelly58
Joined: Jun 19, 2004
Posts: 373
From: Nottingham UK
PM |
This one is for everyone who... a) has kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids.
A business man was packing a bag for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, the man reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.
He went back to packing, looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
He said, 'What's wrong, sweetheart?'
She replied, 'What happened to my bogey
always look on the bright side of life...de dum..de dum..de dum..
Esato Feedback +31
PS3 ID: menalishka |
HornyNick
Joined: Mar 09, 2008
Posts: 77
PM |
A young guy pulls a woman in a club. She is 61 but looks good for her age. On the way back to hers he starts thinking that her daughter would look good. When they arrive at hers she asks " would you like a sportmans double?" Confused, he replies "whats that?"
she says "Its a mother and daughter threesome."
"Sure! that would be great!" he says.
they walk through the front door, she clicks the light on and shouts "Mum, are you still awake?" |
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
I apologise for this next one before I even post it.....
Another shit joke about cancer?
Oh goody
this is soooo close to the bone......
"I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being sh!t at football, do they?!"
Give credit where it's due, mate - he's great at dribbling.
_________________
The Romans didn't build an empire by having meetings, they did it by killing those who opposed them.
Daily Esato quiz...
[ This Message was edited by: fatreg on 2008-08-23 13:30 ] |
HornyNick
Joined: Mar 09, 2008
Posts: 77
PM |
A woman asks her husband, ''Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'' He declines. ''Thanks for asking, but I''m not hungry right now. It''s this Viagra,'' he says. ''It''s really taken the edge off my appetite.'' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.'' A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'' He declines. ''The Viagra,'' he says, ''really trashes my desire for food.'' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. ''Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'' He declines again. ''No,'' he says, ''it''s got to be the Viagra . . . I''m still not hungry.'' Well,'' she says, ''Would you mind letting me up? I''m starving.''
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Tips of the Day
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don''t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you''ll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place..
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don''t buy expensive ''ribbed'' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you''ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they''re always going on about how tofu,Quorn, meat substitute etc ''tastes exactly like the real thing'', they won''t know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you''d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Heavy smokers. Don''t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you''ll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy ''Next customer Please'' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A next door neighbour''s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ''fast wipe'' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don''t know
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don''t panic.Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!The blockage is almost instantly removed. |
whizkidd
Joined: May 14, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: India
PM, WWW
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Dunno if this has been posted earlier..:
- I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labor.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge head first into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight.
- You fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire well before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags
T230 >> T610 >> Ngage QD >> N73 >> N85 >> Omnia HD >> And countless other review units |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
LMAO! Suspicious looking bags...
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2008-07-28 15:08
