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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
himlims_nl
Joined: Apr 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
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On 2008-05-27 12:00:10, haynesycop wrote:
Jeremy Clarkson & Amy Winehouse bump into each other at an awards ceremony and get chatting. She asks him;
"So what do you do?"
He replies; "Top Gear"
F@cking brilliant she says i'll have 3 grams.
lool so lame but still loool
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arien617
Joined: Feb 01, 2006
Posts: > 500
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Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
wait, shit
bash.org is the sh!t.
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Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
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This one must have been posted before. Probably by me...
I man walks into a bar (yawn!), sits on a stool and orders a pint, and proceeds to fumble around in his inside jacket pocket.
He eventually pulls out a miniature grand piano and carefully places it on the bar. Then, he digs inside his pocket again and, much to the amazement of the barman who has been watching intently, pulls out a tiny little man in full formal dress. He places the man gently on the bar, and the man promptly starts playing the piano.
"That's bloody amazing!" Says the barman. "Where on earth did you get that?"
"Well," says the man, looking around suspiciously, "take a look at this..."
He then goes back inside his jacket pocket and pulls out a bottle. "In here, there's a Genie." he whispers. "Ask him for whatever you want but you'll have to speak up because he's a bit deaf." With that, he pulls the stopper out of the bottle and, surely enough, a genie appears.
"Clucking bell!" says the barman. "I'll have a million quid!"
POOOF! There's a big flash of light and all of a sudden the barman finds himself covered from head to toe in live, wriggling, slimy squid.
"What the hell?" He screams. "I didn't ask for this?"
"Tell me about it." Says the man. " Do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
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pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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nice one Cyco, iv'e not heard it before.
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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Things I've Learned from My Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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Received this on email saying it was an old joke, but I have never heard it before, a classic.
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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A blind man and his guide dog enter a pub and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy shouts to the barman,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The barman is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind guy says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
himlims_nl
Joined: Apr 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
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On 2008-07-02 10:53:03, procterdc wrote:
Things I've Learned from My Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
a bunch more
hihihih good laugh let me add one;
22. Reading funny jokes at esato while eating, results in cleaning your lunch of your monitor
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pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar......sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence....'
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
whizkidd
Joined: May 14, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: India
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These are answers, some students have written in their exams...
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around and around. There is not much else to do.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
T230 >> T610 >> Ngage QD >> N73 >> N85 >> Omnia HD >> And countless other review units |
j0be
Joined: Jun 23, 2003
Posts: 249
PM |
This is really funny
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last
one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I,Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
+27VE's (Silver Trader) on Esato |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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Which website does Chewbacca go on to look for information????
Wookiepedia
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
badassmam
Joined: Nov 07, 2007
Posts: > 500
PM |
Sorry to any scousers out there but:
Q. What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?
A. The Bride
Q. What do you call a scouser with a tie?
A. The accused
Sorry again |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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A man riding his Motor bike along a Northumberland beach when suddenly the
> > sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
> > "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
> > wish."
> >
> > The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Holland so I can ride
> > over anytime I want."'
> >
> > The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
> > challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching
> > the bottom of the the North Sea and the concrete and steel it would take! It
> > will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
> > hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
> > and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
> >
> > The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she really means when she says nothing's wrong,
and
how I can make a woman truly happy."
> >
> > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "do you sell bereavement cards?"
She said, "yes, sir."
So I said, "could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"
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Posted: 2008-06-28 13:19
