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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
vladn02
Joined: Sep 17, 2007
Posts: 259
From: Ukraine
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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in Canada by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.'
'Odd,' her companion replies, 'but if we shall live in Canada, we might as well do as the Canadians do.'
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell 'Get your dogs here' and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
'Two dogs, please! ,' says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously, 'What part did you get'??????
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HornyNick
Joined: Mar 09, 2008
Posts: 77
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What did the Mexican fire chief call his two sons?
Hose A and Hose B. |
_!GameKing!_
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 40
From: Bradford, UK
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A Classic Joke:
Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
A: Cuz it ran out of juice!!!
(yea i kno it was crapp but was the only one i can think of lol)
...Want to OWN a W995... |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
===========================================
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
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It's been confirmed that Dawn French has contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease.
Doctors have given her 27 years to live...
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fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
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mosdelln
Joined: Aug 08, 2006
Posts: 383
From: Northampton, UK
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I dont mean no offence by this one, got sent it via a txt:
2 asylum seekers drop dead in tesco: Every little helps
mosdelln (+17, -1) [e]
Apple Iphone |
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
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A Redneck boy gets married and takes his lovely new wife home to their trailer
He Carries her over the threshold
They retire to the bedroom
"She looks up and says please be gentle, I'm a Virgin"
He's off like a rocket down the street and back to parents
Dad comes to him and says "oi it's you're wedding night what you doing here"
He says "Dad, she's a virgin"
Dad says "You did the right thing son, If she ain't good enough for her own family she deffinately ain't good enough for our's!!"
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Muhammad-Oli
Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: The NZ of L
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AHAHAHA
This message was posted in the mail
2008, 2009, 2010 Best Australasian Member. |
jcwhite_uk
Joined: Feb 18, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Dorset, UK Phone:Xperia Z1
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
Checkout my photos at My Website"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together." |
jcwhite_uk
Joined: Feb 18, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Dorset, UK Phone:Xperia Z1
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
Scroll down - THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
Scroll down - IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hen-gliding!"
Checkout my photos at My Website"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together." |
jcwhite_uk
Joined: Feb 18, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Dorset, UK Phone:Xperia Z1
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Checkout my photos at My Website"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together." |
LesleyAnn
Joined: Oct 12, 2006
Posts: 96
From: a small kentish village
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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand…"
add a little charm to your mobile! http://www.bijoubabe.co.uk |
HornyNick
Joined: Mar 09, 2008
Posts: 77
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a young woman was in a nasty car crash and lost a lot of blood. her huband rushed to give her his, and she made a full recovery.
a few years later they go through a very nasty divorce and during an arguement in the solicitors office, the man screams " and i want back all the blood that i gave you as well!"
The woman puts her hand down her knickers, pulls out a tampon and throws it in his face.
"here," she screams "i'll give it u back in monthly installments!" | |
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Posted: 2008-04-03 03:06
