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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Lo-couk
Joined: Dec 14, 2006
Posts: 270
From: West Yorkshire England.
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Teacher asks little Johnny why he didn't attend school yesterday
"Oh it was awful miss, Daddy got burned"
"Ooh not too bad I hope?" said teacher
"Well they don't f**k about at the crematorium miss"
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Lo-couk
Joined: Dec 14, 2006
Posts: 270
From: West Yorkshire England.
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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"
"No, I never found her head."
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Dogmann
Joined: Jan 29, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: London England
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Why big Dogs are better than Women!!
The later you are the more excited a dog is to see you.
Dogs never have to examine the relationship.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs never refuse to play with you just because your Drunk.
Dogs are always grateful when you take them out.
No dog has ever asked Do these pants make me look fat?
Marc
_________________
Nokia N95 8GB, SU-8W, Fring, Vox, Shure EC2g
Nokia E61, 2gb Sandisk, For sale
Honoured to have won BEST DEBATER
[ This Message was edited by: Dogmann on 2007-11-17 22:30 ] |
paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
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*conversation with g/f*
g/f: have you been having sex behind my back again
me: who the ffff you think it was!!
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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Ms Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was HANGED for HORSE STEALING and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the 'Montana Flyer' six times, caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged in1889.
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
Hillary's staff of Professional Image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana rail road. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the rail road.
In 1887,he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
And THAT is how it's done!
---------------------------------------------
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2007-11-20 14:30 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A woman in a pub goes up to the bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole!"
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himlims_nl
Joined: Apr 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
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On 2007-11-20 00:15:37, paul101 wrote:
*conversation with g/f*
g/f: have you been having sex behind my back again
me: who the ffff you think it was!!
don't get it |
sailaab
Joined: May 19, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: India
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On 2007-10-07 11:25:27, Cycovision wrote:
It's about the only joke I know that isn't sexist, ageist, racist, dirty or likely to upset certain religions 
 so is this¿?
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
“Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left,”
God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then addresses Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”
Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”
Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life! SE  TRIVIA |
Lo-couk
Joined: Dec 14, 2006
Posts: 270
From: West Yorkshire England.
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
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Danny_BFC
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 499
From: Barnsley, Phone,
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LMFAO
Im not fussed about phones/gadgets no more. If im online im in the Non-Mobile discussion  |
deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
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 Good ones! Keep them coming! |
OffLineR
Joined: Jan 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Istanbul, Turkey
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LMAO great one mate  .
Forever !!! |
paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
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what begins with F and ends with UCK ??
....
....
FIRETRUCK!! not my first thought!
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me |
OffLineR
Joined: Jan 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Istanbul, Turkey
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@paul101
What about this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pj2Nutu5v8
Forever !!! | |
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Posted: 2007-11-17 20:08
TRIVIA
