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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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The Half-Wit
There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana .
The Montana Wage &Hour Dept. Claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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WW III
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup' replied the Newfie.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch' the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
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Chartreuse Eyes
Joined: Jul 14, 2007
Posts: 253
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A miser entered a restaurant and ordered for curry worth half a dollar, A waiter brought him the curry. When the miser began to eat, he saw that a fly way floating in the curry. He angrily shouted at the waiter, "YOU brought the curry with fly!" The waiter answered, "then do you want a goat or sheep for half a dollar?" |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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Thats silly  LMAO
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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Jack walks down town. He wants to purchase a sniper rifle with scope.
He talks to the guy and he shows him the rifle.
Jack: So how powerfull is this thing?
Guy: Well, I only have 2 bullets, look through the scope, tell me what to shoot, then you'l judge the fire power.
Jack passes him the 2 bullets. The guy loads the sniper, then Jack looks through the scope. There is a huge hotel in the distance, Jack is shocked, through the window he sees his wife and an unknown man having sex.
Jack passes the sniper to the guy.
Jack: That bastard is having sex with my wife! Use both those bullets. Use one to blow her nice head of, and use the other to blow that guys dick of.
The guy looks through the scope, and passes one of the bullets back to Jack.
Guy: Looks like il only need to use one bullet now! |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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LMAO Thats sick!
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solja786
Joined: May 30, 2006
Posts: 161
From: the middle of nowhere
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@KingBooker5
LMAO..dats good ...its damn good |
Chartreuse Eyes
Joined: Jul 14, 2007
Posts: 253
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A guy was praying passionately, 'oh my God! Turn me into a lizard.'
A man asked 'why do you pray so?' He answered, 'My wife dreads lizards.' |
Danny_BFC
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 499
From: Barnsley, Phone,
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Old Chinese Proverbs.
Man who copy and paste not too funny.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok..
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door..
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.
"A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain." .
"You never test the depth of a river with both feet."
"Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand."
"The believer is happy. The doubter is wise."
It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato—the best part of him is underground.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.
A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.
He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom
Im not fussed about phones/gadgets no more. If im online im in the Non-Mobile discussion  |
KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
PM |
Some people may find this joke very offencive.
A black man complains to the BBC that black people are not getting enough time on TV. The chairman of the BBC says that they will put on more crimewatch to answer his question.
Next month the black guy complains again to the BBC about the absence of blacks on TV. The man tells him that they will talk to the guys at Bravo to put on more street crime UK.
The black man returns again to say that blacks arnt getting enough TV time, in which the chairman replies, "For f*cks sake man! Its not our fault comic relief is only on once a year!"
[ This Message was edited by: KingBooker5 on 2007-09-12 20:19 ] |
Lo-couk
Joined: Dec 14, 2006
Posts: 270
From: West Yorkshire England.
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What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever
iphone 4 16Gb |
masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2007-08-29 10:48
