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se_p800
Joined: Jan 07, 2004
Posts: 273
From: England
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another man walks in for the interview, and the interviewer says to the man "can you give me a sentence with "officiate" in?"
The man thinks for a but, and they says "A man got sick, because of a fish he ate!"
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mosdelln
Joined: Aug 08, 2006
Posts: 383
From: Northampton, UK
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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the
boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl said "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm
them up".
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter.
He said "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will
warm it up."
So he did and his nose began to get warm.
He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said "Do you know
what? I think my penis is frozen solid"
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "Well they make one hell of a mess when they
defrost, don't they?"
mosdelln (+17, -1) [e]
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mosdelln
Joined: Aug 08, 2006
Posts: 383
From: Northampton, UK
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SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
THATCHERISM : You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have two cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two sheep. The one on the left looks very attractive.
mosdelln (+17, -1) [e]
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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 Very good - especially the Amish one.
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mosdelln
Joined: Aug 08, 2006
Posts: 383
From: Northampton, UK
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If i get anymore i will post more
mosdelln (+17, -1) [e]
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico city and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Mexican is stunned. The genie says "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want"
The Mexican begins thinking, well, I really like drinking tequila.
Finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me wee tequila"
The genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass and wees in it.
He looks at the glass and its clear, it looks like tequila. then smells the liquid, it smells like tequila.
So he tastes it , it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it, Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted, the two drinks and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses from the cupboard, he fills both glasses the result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila" his wife gets the glass and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass, and when he fills it his wife asks him "But,
Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises his glass and says "BECAUSE TONIGHT YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE"
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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The Spoon . . .
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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leeboy13
Joined: Sep 28, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Brissle - dodgy accients
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@goldenface - great joke there dude!!!!
living the dream! |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not," he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said! the Queen. "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"
"Yes," said Bush. "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting o! f the W hite House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion, and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.
So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State, Colin Powell, approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell. "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair!"
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
(see each breed's answers below)
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Keep going down
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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I OWE MY MOTHER:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father! "
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with
respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her travelling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "trips to where"?
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go back and get her."
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
An excited man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge
fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say, "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken guy swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.
The husband asks, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's an ex-boyfriend. I heard he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I heard he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think that he could go on celebrating that long?"
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A young man walks onto the stage of the English TV show "Stars in their
Eyes", on Crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. The
compare Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you
to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what
happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours. Before I was
eventually cut free. the doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they
couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they Artificial?' asks Matthew.
No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his
body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been
having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again
by the end of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Matthew responds with that's an unbelievable story". So tonight, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be " Simon and Halfuncle "
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.
'E can clearly see my little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put thee American in 'is
place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
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Posted: 2007-07-31 14:21
