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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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Horse walks into a bar, barman says, "whats with the long face?"
Horse walks into a bar carrying some jump leads, barman says, "I can cope with the long face, just don't try startin anything ok?"
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa | |
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AbuBasim
Joined: Nov 04, 2005
Posts: > 500
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The following is an old one but still makes me crack up every time, especially the last one:
Are You an Unreconstructed, Right-on, Rogue Male
Or a Delivery Boy of the New Male Order?
Are You a Man or a Louse?
Find Out Below.
1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.
2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) nice.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.
8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of
my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.
21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.
23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and
a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
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procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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A united fan, a liverpool fan and a jamaican were all in the maternity ward, when the nurse said " Im sorry but we have mixed your babies up, your going to have to pick your own.
So the United fan walks over and picks the black baby up.
At this point the jamaican says " thats clearly my baby " to which the United fan replies " look mate one of those f*****s is a scouse c**t and i'm not willing to take any chances.
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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Old couple in church, during the service wife whispers "I've just done a silent fart, what should i do?"
he says...
"put a battery in your f*****g hearing aid!"
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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Different types of Shit (film style)
The "Alien" shit
This is where your shit bursts out of your arse, leaving you.. well...dead
The "Green Mile" shit
Its big and black, but you feel like you're the one on death row
The "Rocky" shit
It's come a long way, defeating all the odds it was a miilion to one shot, but it pulled all the punches "Yo Adrian I Did It"
The "Armageddon" shit
This is it its the end of the world, your brow is sweating, brace for impact. But don't worry, Brucie is there to help.
The "Day After Tomorrow" shit
You're sat on the bog, you need to go, but nothings happenin. 48 hours later when your in a business meeting...
The "Star Trek" shit
This bad boy is givin you problems, you wish you could transport it out of there
The "Fast And The Furious" shit
Nuff said
The "Land Of The Dead" shit
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN EATING, GOD THAT STINKS, SMELLS LIKE ROTTING CORPSES
The "Gladiator" shit
This shit is huge, so huge it could conquer an army!!
Can anyone come up with any others?
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
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A redhead girl goes home with her blonde friend. When she gets home she finds a large bunch of flowers off her husband. The redhead says"I hate it when he does this" to which the blonde replies "why". The redhead says "well evertime he does that, I have to lie on my back with my legs in the air for 3 days" to which the blonde replies, "why havent you got a vase"
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the nice safe!" He yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank." She replies, "We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the nice safe or I'll blow your head off." Demands the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" She replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" He demands. She pulls the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" He demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.
"There," He says "It's not that nice difficult is it?"
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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(if your american, you will love this one!)
Panhandling
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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There is this lady who is pregnant with triplets. The first baby tells the other two, "When I get out of here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's too damn dark up in here." The second baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a doctor, because this cord is bugging the hell out of me." The third baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes up here one more time, I'm gonna cut it's nice head off."
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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One day a little boy and his dad are walking down the street. upon turnung a corner the little boy see two dogs having sex. Confused the little boy askes his dad,"Daddy what are those two dogs doing?" Scratching his head the father answers carefully."well, son they are making a puppy. Don't worry about it let's keep walking." Satisfied with this answer the little boy walks on.
The next day the little boy walks into his mother and fathers room where he unknowingly;) interups his parents having sex. The little boy confused, asks his father,"Daddy what are you doing to mommy?" Not knowing how to answer this he says,"well, we are making a baby." Scratching his head to mock his father the little boy says,"well, can you turn her over and make a puppy instead?"
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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A guy goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is my chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, gets up, drops his pants, picks up the chicken and sticks his dick in the bird's ass. He then bends over and says, "Your turn!"
Another joke
:
Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
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KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Well, thats almost a whole page of jokes, by the Book Man!
Hope you enjoyed em!
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procterdc
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 334
From: Lytham St.Annes
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I need to get some more me thinks
It ain't about how hard you hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward - Rocky Balboa |
KingBooker5
Joined: May 12, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: London, England
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Why did Saddam Hussein kill his wife?
Why?
Because he looked up her skirt and saw bush |
Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
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Did you hear about the dyslexic clubber? He died after taking an 'F'
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Paddy and Murphy go for a job interview. Paddy goes in first and the interviewer says:
"Right Paddy, I want you to say a sentence that includes the word 'Interest'."
Paddy thinks for a while and says "If I get this job, I'll save all of my wages in the bank and buy a new donkey jacket with the interest."
"Well done Paddy!" Says the interviewer. "You've got the job, can you send Murphy in for me please?"
So Paddy leaves the room and tells Murphy to go in adding: "hey Murphy, it's dead easy. All you've got to do is say 'If I get this job, I'll save all of my wages in the bank and buy a new donkey jacket with the interest'."
In strides Murphy and the interviewer says to him 'Hello Murphy, I want you to give me a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."
"If I get this job, I'll save all of my wages in the bank and buy a new donkey jacket with the interest." says Murphy.
"No,no" says the interviewer. "'fascinate', not 'interest'."
So Murphy thinks about it and eventually says...
"I've got a Donkey Jacket with ten buttons on it, but I can only fasten eight!"
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Posted: 2007-07-22 13:26
